A*North*Star

searching for a guide through life

today is my godsister’s 17th b-day! happy birthday, alisha!!!!


::sigh:: im mad that my lil sister never updates her xanga.. lol.. sike. but she should.   me?? of course i shouldn’t be on the computer at this time.. it’s kinda like a bad habit i guess..  most of being in school is pointless right now… we aren’t doing anything and it’s just taking up my valuable time which i could be spending on cleaning up my room, getting a job, getting my graduation stuff taken care of or something else… ::sigh:: well, today my mommi took me out of school at 12:30 so we could run some errands before i went to the doctor. all was well at the doctor’s. she said the ultrasound results came back good and that i have a very low chance of getting cancer (thank God). i’ll also be going on the Pill soon and she said by having my period regulated by that, i have a better chance of not having complications when i try to get pregnant.. so yes, all is well.


in Galloway, it’s finally gotten hot.. up at 90 degrees.. sweating weather.. lol.. i love it.. haha. i like the heat. hehe. i kno. i’m weird.. lol. i should go tanning with Paris… and aunt Vanessa if she wants to come along.. lol. they’re like the only other black people i know that don’t mind being in the sun and getting a little darker.. hmmm. maybe because all three of us are liteskinneded.. haha.. oh, wait i sec.. i think that Paris is spanish anyway.. yeah, not black.. lol, but she’s been basically adopted into the family that i don’t even think of it. just like alisha, chrissy, and julia.. never could i consider them not blood, even though technically they aren’t..


i wish that i’d have something like that to carry on with my next generation.. i mean, no doubt will my kids grow up with alisha and christina’s kids as play cousins or whateva.. but our friendship had been started at birth because of the friendship between our dads. they grew up in Long Island together.. met in the 8th grade or something like that.. and have been close friends ever since… that’s amazing.. you don’t always get friends like that.. i mean, right now, my closest friends for school — i have known them for a looong time.. me and maurita go back over ten years.. ya kno.. that’s history. but i can’t help but wondering.. where is the next couple of years gonna take us in our friendship?? i mean, right now we live in the same fuckin town and go to the same school and everything and yet, we barely see each other or talk with each other. and slowly i feel this distance just building up between us.. she says that she thinks we’re cool when we just catch up with each other with long emails every 2, 3 months or something.. but i don’t. i’ve lost some real good friends before and sadly to say.. sometimes i can feel it starting back up again.. i mean.. she’ll always be like a sister to me and i’ll always care for her… for the wonderful person she has been to me, but… a while ago i’ve come to the conclusion that forever isn’t always forever.. that sometimes, no matter how much your heart wills it, you lose the game and have to deal with the fact that some connections weren’t made to last to ‘forever’… i do wanna fight for it.. to fight for everything close to my heart in danger.. but i need to have someone fighting with me.. sometimes times pass and people change and it gets real tough.. so it’s best to just see how things go on their own.. give the battle to God and see what’s to come of its fate. and that’s not just with maurita or my friends from highschool… some of the reason why i can’t fall asleep at night is because i have my mind wrapped up about someone again… it’s like, i know i’m going to be entering a new stage in my life with graduating from highschool and leaving home and living in virginia while attending HU.. i know so much will be different and i’ll be making a new home.. and part of me.. a lot of me.. isn’t exactly ready to leave things here with everything left unsaid and the thought of just never seeing him again when i can’t quite get him out of my heart.. my first ‘love’… but maybe this is God’s battle to see through.. maybe things weren’t meant to be.. maybe i just fucked everything up.. but either ways.. maybe it’s over. and so now i just have to learn to get by without that piece of my heart..


so much is changing.. so much lies ahead.. we’re moving so fast that i can’t take a picture.. but i know it’s a beautiful struggle.


,


Nicole

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2 thoughts on “

  1. Anonymous on said:

    U said u got an ultra sound… do u have PCOS?

  2. o man, nicole, i love you gurl… that “so much is changing.. so much lies ahead.. we’re moving so fast that i can’t take a picture.. but i know it’s a beautiful struggle” imma quote u on that wenever i write somethin worthwhile… and i’ll update my xanga just for u, lol i dont think ne1 else reads it

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