searching for a guide through life

 deep breaths, deep breaths… oh my goodness, this child is wearing on my nerves… my brother’s been here for what?? – a lil over a week or something.. and he is wearing me thin!! i was at the fist-making stage a couple of seconds ago.. and yes, i don’t care that he’s bigger than me or older than me or a boy or anything.. i can take him!! the boy.. i am not used to him living here and he is all up in all my personal space, he leaves everything on, and he is messy… atleast he takes me to the corner if i beg him, but he makes me pay for my own milk that everyone else drinks and he drinks my lemonade and is constantly making noise, drumming on everything… grrrrrrr… he needs to go somewhere. he needs to get a job and some money and all that… ok – enough ranting.. i love my brother, but he’s pushing me.. i think i have a headache now.

damn, where does the time fly too?? why do i waste all my valuable time doing nothing!!!!?? that’s gonna have to change. i need to work on my room tonight, i swear.. and i have to get all my graduation plans squared away so i don’t have to be fooling with things last minute and all.. so i need to get my shoes and stuff, decide if i’m going to project graduation, rehearse my speech a lil so i know it all by heart… tomorrow imma have to make a bunch of phone calls to family and whatnot. i need to call Hampton too.. that is very important, but i’ve kinda made graduating my number one priority… shit, i wish we had gotten out of school earlier. getting a summer job is also important, but i just might wait until monday cuz there’s a job fair at the mall.. i DO NOT want to work at the mall.. i want to work near it cuz i live near it but i don’t want to work in it! if i did.. i wouldn’t mind working at Macy’s or Border’s Express but not much other places… gosh…. i need some money. it’s too serious.. hey! the good news is that some graduation cash is coming in.. that’s why i’d go to Project Graduation.. just for the money and shit… hahah.. that’s kinda bad.. but oh so true.. man, i don’t necessarily want to be around all these seniors from school socalizing ’til 5 in the morning.. i barely want to go to these last incredibly boring last 4 four-hour days leading up to graduation on the 16th… imma bring my book and just read and tan… haha.. i’m such an antisocial nerd.. lol.. imma be good though. i know it.. but i just don’t want to be there!! being there at that school seriously wears at my spirit. except when i’m enjoying myself with my friends – like when i’m chilling with amanda and everything – it’s like the fire in my eyes smoulders down to basically nothing.. cold coal… ugh.. i hate it, i guess i could change it.. but it’s like.. in highschool you sort of get stuck with a specific character.. and it can be kinda hard to just step out of it. that’s why i can’t wait til i graduate and leave… so i can try to be completely me again…

some people love highschool or atleast don’t hate it with a passion… i don’t hate it with a passion.. i mean, i met and established beneficial relationships with some really good, interesting people. i’ve learned a lot of lessons. i learned a lot about myself.. and about life.. i’ve excelled on an academic level which has led me to getting into college virtually free when you talk about the costs of college these days.. i’ve had some necessary experiences (haha) that’s led to my growth.. i’ve grown plain and simple.. but i mean, i also have been through a dark time during these past four years.. it’s like something is missing from my life… and so the days just don’t feel right.. even though from the outside it could seem like everything was perfect for me, it really wasn’t and i couldn’t explain and life was just hard… but finally all that is coming to an end as i step into a new phase in my life.. i can’t say for sure that it will be all better. i know it could even be worse… but i’m stepping out on faith and trying to begin a new day.

ok — that’s it for today.. i was gonna write more on la vida de “me” but i need to go.. start working on that room or something.. lol.. my lil sis braided my hair up for me today and i think my camera phone is finally gonna send these pics for me!! goodie!! lol… so imma prob change my profile pic.

highlight of the weekend:: watching Def Poety Jam on HBO (man.. dave chapelle was on there, the beautiful Ms. Lauryn Hill, and J. IVY!!!!!!! not to mention the ever so sexy Mos Def of course) ::sigh::



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