searching for a guide through life

ehhhhhh… love stinks..

when i think about the last time i was up in a boy’s arms.. well, a boy that i had feelings for… it’s gets me kinda depressed… lol.. well not exactly.. cuz i am that independent woman but still… yeah…

my sister’s mind stays focused on contacting her “babi”… my cousin would walk away from me like nothing without saying something if her boyfriend called her.. my godsis last talked to me about getting a father’s day card for her boyfriend’s dad.. and one of my best friend just decided to take a break with her boyfriend of two yrs today – even though she loves him…

and all the relationship talk is getting to my head!! don’t get me wrong – i LOVE my gurls and i am glad that they are happi, but i want to be happi too, dammit!!! yes – i am jealous.. i will admit it.. it’s the only thing i will get jealous about.. i’m not jealous of their guys or their relationships in general… it’s just that somedays i need someone to call me on the phone and go places with me and hold me too… ya know. jealousy’s a bitch.. though i NEVER do anything to purposely or unintentionally tamper with someone’s relationship i got that lil devil above one shoulder telling the angel that i listen to to make all the relationships go away.. hehehe…. but i’m a good gurl – don’t worry.. i have patience and everything and i know my time will come but it’s just… ughhh.. so damn frustrating.. and i will never be nobody’s desperate housewife so we can forget that.. no, i will not just go for anyone.. not that i’m particularly picky, there just has to be that connection.. shoot, i waited this long, i am not just going to throw myself after any random joe who decides to show a lil interest.. ya feel me..

but i just want to be happi…

not that i’m not right now. i don’t believe happiness is defined in other people or dependent on depending on someone of the opposite sex (or same sex, if that’s your preference), but i do feel something missing…

i think maybe i fell in love to let me know that love does exist and that it comes in unique packages and that it takes work and strength to keep.. maybe that was the ultimate lesson that i needed to learn. the necessary piece i needed to know along my path of advancement and change… but so, why do i keep looking back? wondering ‘what if’, holding on, and refusing to really move foward…. was love meant to paralyze or am i doing this all wrong??? 

all questions.no answers.no matter… because he is LOVE.and i STILL don’t know.WHY..



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  1. Hey girlie, colee baby dont worry. I felt the same way back in 9th/10th grade. Like you’re missing something and would really like to experience what it seems like everybody else is feeling. But this is god giving you time to find yourself before the experience of a real relationship comes around – because believe me, they arent just candy and gumdrops these days. Just focus on you, and one day you’ll be so surprised to find that somehow a man (hopefully a good one) has fallen into your lap and you didnt even have to go duck-hunting for it —- feel me??????? Thats how I met my first love in 10th grade. Just when I thought that maybe it wasn’t my time, God came through (I met him at church by the way lol) and he really helped me matured. But no need to search for anything, just relax and focus on being a healthy, single, Black woman in America and you’ll get yours soon =D

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