searching for a guide through life

:: i’m feelin all out of my element, throwing things, crying, tryin to figure out where the hell i went wrong… ::

i think no matter how many times i hear that song, i won’t get tired of it.. well, i guess it is only a matter of time since i seem to hear it like 5 times everyday, but so far it’s all cool. the remixes are hot too.. esp the one with styles p and jadakiss.

anywho… i think i have a sleeping problem.. i’m becoming nocturnal. i mean, i swear.. i barely get any type of decent sleep whatsoever until like 5 o’clock in the morning… and so then i wake up around 11.. what’s up with that?

mmmmmmmm.. there’s been a lot on my mind lately.. not that that’s what’s keeping me up, but just saying.. i’ve been wanting to write in my xanga or something about it.. and so i get online and then decide i don’t feel like writing about it.. and now i don’t again either but i’m online….

mmm, i think i will snap if somebody mentions to me how quiet i am.. like that’s the worst thing in the world. i aint commiting a crime. i’m not purposely shutting people off or shunning people or anything. it’s just that, if i have nothing to say, i’m not just going to start flapping my gums just to hear myself speak. if i don’t have anything to say, i’m quiet. if i do have something to say, i’ll say it. i DO talk.. it’s like people don’t seem to realize that there are quiet people out there.. shy people and introverted people too… and there’s nothing wrong with these people… not everybody has to be outgoing and extroverted and loud.. i mean where would the world be if everybody was like that? variety people.. embrace it. mmmmm… i don’t know.. i think i’m just slightly pissed because it doesn’t seem like anybody understands me sometimes… i mean, i do like being unique, but sometimes it’s lonely, i guess.. not having people understand..

and so i’m feeling “all out of my element”… not even because of that but just so much right now.. everything just feels.. off. i mean, i couldn’t believe yesterday was the fourth of july.. the years before, independence day seems to signal the beginning of summer.. right now it seems like summer’s been forever and it’s nearing the end. my summer’s been boring. basically.. i mean, some days it’s really cool staying inside and reading and chilling and whatnot, but that gets old. and i know, it’s basically my fault. i mean, i didn’t get a job.. i’m shutting my sister out i guess.. but i mean, damn… so much is changing with me and her that it just seems like the natural thing to do.. to just let it all go.. but then i’m lonely.. and i have this eery feeling that the few people i’ve allowed myself to get close to these last past years.. my best friends.. that we’re gonna all split off on our seperate ways next yr and hardly look back.. my mom’s coworker had told me right before my graduation that it’s wonderful, but very rare, to keep the same friends from high school.. and at the time i was like… “well i hope i’m the exception”.. but i mean, i can feel it now.. i can feel it. me and laura — things have already changed so much during the school yr.. and although i love carmella.. we are growing apart by the minute it seems.. she’ll be my girl forever but… i dunno. and maurita.. the same thing.. i mean, yeah, i know we’ll all still catch up in each other’s lives from time to time out of curiousity and wonder and all, but when ppl’s lives split into different paths it’s hard.. when we all have different motives and priorities… i mean, with mo and carm, it’s work and their guys.. and with me, it’s not.. and so.. i dunno.. amanda’s the only one i see real promise with keeping up our friendship.. thank God we stayed tight in highschool..  and thank God my friendships with people expand beyond Gami… like Lisha and Chrissy and Doni… but i dunno… i think im just babbling now.

it’s just.. something’s out of place and i’m just “trying to figure out where the hell i went wrong.”



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