searching for a guide through life

you know what? i think when you sign up in one of these blogrings, more people read your page then you’d realize.. i mean when i had my old xanga page and even with this one, before i had joined up to groups i bet hardly anybody read my page.. maybe my sis.. that’s it. but now.. got people commenting and writing their own spinoffs off of what i’ve written in entries.. it’s interesting.. and i do the same thing… reading other ppl’s pages everytime i sign on to xanga. it’s a habit.. and it’s interesting reading some of the things in other ppl’s lives and how they write about it in their journal or whateva… haha.. i’m a curious person..

but anyways.. today was a slightly uneventful day, or whateva you’d call it. i started reading and completed reading a Walter Dean Myer’s novel.. Crystal… it was pretty good. not nearly as good as Bad Boy, Scorpions, or The Beast, but decent.. it was interesting reading his work through a female main character instead of a male.. i think now that i’m trying to be serious about this writing thing i take more notice of just everything…

but speaking of writing.. damn, i haven’t written in soooo long.. i mean, yeah, i blog or whateva online… chat with people.. email.. but i mean, i MISS my handwriting.. LOL. not that i had the best handwriting or whateva but i basically stopped writing like a week before school ended and so i miss pencils and actually writing.. hmmmm.. what kind of a writer will i be if i don’t write?? i almost can’t believe i’m trying to get serious with my art… and that people back me up on it.. well, not everybody, but a good amount of good people..

G.O.O.D. — Getting Out Our Dreams.. lol.. just had to put that in.. <<i love you, Kanye!!>>

so… this xanga thing.. it’s gotten me in trouble a lil with my sister.. well, not exactly trouble, just the normal cycle of shit we come back to.. mmmm, i’m such an instagator. a hostile one at that, occording to her.. and me too, i suppose.. but this has brought me to a question.. shall i start to ‘censor’ things…. hmmm.. well i guess i already know that answer and that’s no.. i like the truth too much.. well.. i like to be open, i suppose.. plus blogging’s always been a good way to vent.. amazingly, i’ve just learned what it means to ‘vent’ a few years ago and it’s all new to me although i should have been doing it years before.. i just kept a lot inside.. still do. hmmm.. does that contradict the whole, “i like to be open” statement?? maybe.. but hey, i’m a walking, talking contradiction…. not to be confused with two-facedness.. that sounds too mean and sinister. and i’m the opposite of mean. well, at heart.. maybe not to my lil sister.. lol.. i’m a mess.. that’s what.. but anywho..

the truth CAN hurt.. yup. i think everybody knows that by now though.. just like “life is not fair” or “you can’t always have everything you want”.. blah, blah, blah… lol.. living, breathing cliches at work.. but anyway, yeah.. i was going through this old issue of HONEY.. (shit, one whole section of my room is dominated with magazines strewn on the floor right now) and i was reading this piece on racism in colleges.. i think it caught my eye cause primarily they were talking bout UVA, my cousin’s school.. but anyway, there was this part which said that i believe, Muslims, Blacks, and Middle Easterns (i don’t think that might be right, but something like that) at NYU were sent anonymous emails from this one screenname who said that minorities were ruining the country or some shit.. and then the person goes on to saying that the reason that so many black men persue white women was the fact that they don’t want their babies to turn out ugly.. and for a minute there, i almost started crying.. (i can be a slightly sensitive, errr very emotional, person) and that hit me because sometimes i hate so much how people let media’s standards of beauty rule.. like you have to have long hair and perfect skin and long legs to be considered mainstream attractive or whateva.. and soooo many black boys around this way, just go for white girls, that i sometimes wonder, why are they always their number one preference.. and reading that, gave me a short term answer.. but before any tears could fall, my emotional, crumpled up faced self was shocked into reality of how untrue that was and then i was cool… i mean, come on… black women are beautiful.. the children that black women bare are incredibly beautiful.. black is beautiful.. from our skin colors to our hair textures to our culture… and so is every other ethnic group/race… so i stopped trippin off some anonymous person’s “truth” quick… but it is sooo sad that people think that way still… how far do we have to come as a people (human beings) before stupid prejudice stuff disappears…

well, anywho.. as far as the rest of my day… i ate breakfast — and dinner.. go me! it’s like sometimes i be forgetting to eat and that’s very bad.. you know, you’d be surprised that some fat people actually eat a lot less than their skinnier counterparts.. it’s just that our metabolism is soo much slower.. i was looking through an old diary and i’ve realized that i’ve been this same weight more or less for atLEAST four, five years.. and i’m probably not overweight, but obese, but i think i’m sharing too much now…. oh… but anyways, i just did up my hair in braids for it to be pretty out and crinkly tomorrow although i doubt imma be going anywhere.. plus with the humidity, it’ll turn semi-afroish quick… lol. gotta cut my hair…. and i gotta go out.. somewhere, anywhere.. tomorrow.. haha, well today.. i needs to get some sleep cuz i had wanted to wake up early to go running, but im too much of an insomniac for that to realistically happen i guess.. i betcha my car didn’t go through inspection today… yepp.. it was supposed to.. but did my dad do it?? hmmm, the question of the day.

today i also… played a quick round of Texas Hold ‘Em with my sis and mom… gosh, i hate that game.. and Poker… ummm.. i did my toenails (purple.. well eggplant.. decided to mix it up from the usual clear/au naturale).. and i did my momma’s toes too. i watched the news way too much today cuz i swear i saw this clip talking something about Cold Stone and my mommi wanted to hear the whole story but we never saw it! i’m pretty doggone sure i saw the newsclip advertising the story though.. sidenote:: Cold Stone just opened up three days ago in our area and me and carla sue (my mommi) went yesterday.. maaaan.. i seem like such a momma’s girl when if you looked at me about 2 years ago or so… i was most definately not. see, some change IS for the better…

well – if it’s not rainy thurs evening i might see about going to the Jazz Night thing on Chicken Bone Beach in AC… umm, actually i have this incredibly insane idea of inviting someone to come with me.. well, it’s not incredibly insane. it’s just i guess i don’t want it to sound like i’m asking this guy on a date.. it’s more like a “yeah, we said we’d catch up sometime – and it’s about time – and we both like jazz – and you seem like you need someone like me to try to cheer you up and vice versa – and i’m afraid to make things sound dateish – but i kinda miss you – and we both like jazz – and you like the city – and i like the boardwalk – so we should do this tomorrow” type of thing… lol.. hmmm.. we’ll see though.. more than likely it’ll rain or something.. or more than likely i’ll chicken out on asking this boy out – to listen to jazz!! lol.. just to make that clear.. lol.. not like we’d be just listening to music the whole time but you kno.. lol.

OK.. i’ve written a ton so maybe i’ll go and get some sleep in…

goodnite people… sweet dreams… night or day.




p.s. Rest in Peace — to Luther and to the three young ladies and two older women who died in the terrible car crash off black horse pike on the 3rd.. my prayers go out to all the families..

p.p.s. please keep your eyes open to the opportunities God brings your way.. He can’t help you without you receiving his help… and i hope i actively follow this piece of advice… i still miss him, ya kno.. in my heart. God bless him.

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  1. so who is this guy u were thinkin bout goin to ‘listen to jazz’ with?? huh huh??

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