sometimes i think i’m bad for myself…
i’m sitting here with two sore knuckles because my bad habit of cracking my knuckles came back just recently. ouch!
but it’s more than just physical pain… it feels like so much of what has been bugging me or ailing me can come right back to myself as the cause of the blame. i hate to say it, but it feels so real. i mean, i can’t blame it on “the man” or “the system” or any ambiguous outside force.. and i’m not tryna be all “woe is me” or anything. but it’s just… a lot of my struggle is like brought on by myself.. by not speaking up when i should, by not doing things when i should, by keeping in stress and not letting the Lord in nearly as much…. i’m just adding to the struggle.. it’s like.. sometimes i wonder.. what am i doing? why am i doing this wrong? and i’m waiting for this magical first start and this miraculous turn around… like “things will be different once i finish highschool,” or “things will change when i start college” or when i get a man, or when i move out of my parents’ house, or when i lose weight… but in reality, actually, a new start can just be tomorrow.. there doesn’t have to be any fanfare or anything dramatic. as for the miraculous turn around — shoot, i don’t know anybody who has turned around without looking back.. or atleast thinking back for a second.. i mean, the past you make does become part of you to an extent… no matter how much you change or things around you change. you become who you are because you’ve experienced a past. so what does it mean when i start on my path of betterment and find myself getting back into bad habits from the past — it means that ok, that’s fine, i’ll just start fresh the next morning, Lord permitting. i mean.. i don’t have to go and say “ohhh i messed it up now.. lemme wait until my next big opportunity for change comes around”…. it doesn’t have to be Jan 1st to start fulfilling some resolutions…
i’ve come to this point a few times…. where i say – ok, this is it.. imma be strong and show will and try to work on fixing the parts of my life that i know are fixable for me… but then… i don’t always.. i mean, it’s gonna take time to get there.. but imma get there. i know i will.
mmm.. i have a long ways to go, but imma keep marching towards those horizons… i have too many dreams to just let them all die..
on another note… my mom has so much faith in me.. i just wish i could think of myself in the same light she does.