A*North*Star

searching for a guide through life

ugh… yesterday was horrible….


well, it was my gurl Carmella’s 18th bday so first i’ll start with birthday wishes, even though i know she doesn’t read my page.. HAPPY B-DAY, CARM!!!!
we were supposed to go out to the movies or something but she had never called me all day like she said she would. i thought she had just forgot about me.  but then she called me back at like 2 in the morning and said she had the worst bday ever cuz she ended up getting into it with her parents and they wouldn’t let her go out at all and other things… so it wasn’t like she had forgot about me, it was just that things didn’t turn out like she’d wanted it that day..


we both had terrible days though. i was taking my sister to her friend’s house when i backed my car into the back of my dad’s car. maaaan, i was soo tramatized.. still am, a little. first of all, i already don’t like to drive really, because i get a little nervous driving and my cousin died in a car accident last year and now these two girls from my old highschool recently died in a car accident… not to mention that when i was learning to drive, i was always tense because my mom was teaching me and she sometimes made me nervous.. but – although my accident wasn’t with another car on the road and wasn’t even with another car outside the family, i felt so bad. that initial “bump” sound was terrifying.. i pulled the car back up, put it in park, and jumped out to check out the damages with my sister. my car was basically ok.. i think a little scratch, that’s it. but my dad’s car had a little dent, with the paint taken off. (my car is a Lexus lil SUV thing and my dad’s is a small Jaguar). but i snatched the keys out my car, closed the door, went back in the house, and told my brother he’d have to drive carin to nikki’s house and why… damn, i was the one who used to tease my brother about getting into accidents or getting tickets and now i can’t say ANYTHING to him.. so then i called my dad.. and i can be a real emotional person, so i was crying on the phone as i spoke to him.. he was real understanding and all. he said it was okay and i’ll just need more practice and he wasn’t supposed to be parked in that spot anyway.. (why was i so stupid not to make sure to check for his car??? i was so concerned with making sure i cleared my brother’s car before i turned that i forgot all about my dad’s..) but anyway, i told my dad that i didn’t want to drive again.. but he was just reassuring me that everything was okay… and later, he called me back and told me a story he had about when he had crash my grandfather’s new car after recently getting his license.. and he must have called my mom, of course, because she called me and told me that it was okay and everyone makes mistakes and i just to to get right back again and start driving more… she told me not to cry but i couldn’t help it. and i couldn’t help feeling like i never want to drive again.. i don’t. but i know imma have to. maan, i was so tramatized after the whole thing that i spent most of the evening in my bed alternating between crying, thinking, and sleeping… and all the while i was waiting on my call from carmella.. maaan, it was just a really bad day..
then last night, i had one of those vivid, long, seems-like-it-was-real dreams and it was about me getting raped and the aftermath of the whole thing… that was crazy.. i really need something to just clear my mind right now.. i dunno.. i don’t really think talking to someone would help.. my sister offered to stay home yesterday after what happened instead of going to her friend’s but i told her to just go.. she doesn;t know how to comfort me anyway… i dunno, i need some kind of something to get my life back on track and to stop thinking negatively..


,
Nicole

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