searching for a guide through life

why am i always getting choruses of songs stuck in my head on repeat? haha.. earlier today it was Golddigger by Kanye West and Ray Charles and now it was Free Yourself by Fantasia, but when i was trying to remember what song i had in my mind earlier.. after i remembered, Golddigger got back in my mind.. heheheh…

i’m tired. i will probably be sleeping soundly after writing this extra long entry and finishing the chapter of my book.

i REALLY don’t want to go in to the office tomorrow.. HA! i know, it’s bad. but really… first of all, i know ahead of time that imma want to sleep in late. (sidenote: must remember to smuggle “my” pillow back out of carin’s room.) second of all, i DO have something to do there but it will take me like what, an hour TOPS, and yeah, maybe Aunt Vanessa will find more stuff for me to do but Lord knows i hate being there for longer than i have to.. for some reason i’m finding myself getting impatient so fast lately. and third, forth, and fifth of all, i don’t want to go.. i have soo much things to take care of here.. and i don’t want to go.. LOL. let me stop. i’ll probably go – since i won’t probably be in wed and def. not friday, but still… i got things to do here.. 

today was cool. it was my momma’s bday so after eating breakfast and chilling around the house for awhile, we went out to AC to walk the beach.. it was niice…  considering i’m not even outdoors in the daytimes, it was very nice to enjoy the sun and the outsidedness.. hehe. it was a nice day too – not too hot. when we first got to the beach we laid out on the sand and sunbathed a lil. there wasn’t much sun and so surprisingly, i didn’t get much of a tan, but it was nice to relax out there and i read a lil.. then we just walked the shoreline. so many people were out there.. families, middle aged friends, older people. every kind of body. AC is not like them shows on tv where you go to the beach and only see a bunch of skinny, tanned, blond teenagers – and i LOVE that about it. it seemed like i smiled so much today. i was feeling sexii too.. with my new bathing suit and my black skort.. making me think about being a plus sized model like Tocarra. haha.. aww, Mo would have loved to see my outfit.. always likes when i show that cleavage.  haha.. i was getting a lil afraid of her with my low cut graduation and awards night dresses.. lol. man, i need to call her. see how that North Carolina trip with Ronald went.. oh yeah, it was his bday yesterday too. happy bday, Ronald.. lol, i don’t know why i always choose to call him that. i don’t think i call him by his name to his face, but if i did i guess i’d say “ron”.. haha.. all i want to know is that when they have kids, will Maurita actually name their son Ronald Shaw Garbutt the FIFTH??! hmmm.. i wonder.. and i’m saying this ahead of time — my bridesmaid’s dress better not be ugly!!! lol.. oh wait, she already told us we’d be able to pick ’em out ourselves..

but anyway, now i think i went off on a tangent.. but while we’re on the subject.. in that book i’m reading, the author was saying that she’s proud of her best friend for her personal achievements (marriage, family life) and her friend is proud of her professional achievements (great self-employeed job, financial genius)… but they way she was talking about it made it seem like you can only have one.. a great personal life or a supurb professional life.. sadly, for women especially, it always seems like it has to be either/or. and this has been a thing that has recently been bugging me, even before i read that book.. it has been something that comes up when i think and plan for my future. i don’t want to be the ones my friends look to as the one who has it down with the job and financial-wise, but comes home to an empty house at night.i don’t want to be looking to my friends with envy over their marriages and their growing families. ideally, i’ve love to have both, but when it comes don’t to it, yes, i prefer family over great paying job and love over money.. but the way the road is looking.. i don’t know if the ideal can be a reality. so many times, i think to myself: “i’m probably not going to get married.” i know that’s the wrong mindset, but hey, i’m being honest. and marriage is not something you can really set up and plan for in my opinion.. i mean, okay, you can tell everybody you know that you’re single and looking, you can let dates know that you’re looking to be serious so you don’t spend years in a relationship that won’t lead to a further step, and you can go online and do the ever popular singles serach, but i have always been one to actually belive in the “don’t go looking for love” mantra.. that “love will find you.” and yes, i still hope that’s true.. but i still have my doubtful times concerning love and my future.. my fairy tale has always been that i’d marry young, and i’d marry my best friend, someone i’d know for years and is 100% comfortable with.. i don’t plan to jump into marriage without knowing deep down in my gut that dude is the man i plan to spend the rest of my WHOLE life with… i say i don’t believe in divorce for me… but then again, there’s some part in me that believes i blew my chances for fairy tales a while ago. i’m not sure what to believe sometimes…

but anyways — it’s crazy that i have only 24 more days left til hampton.. oh.my.goodness…

haha.. it’s late. i’m out.


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