searching for a guide through life

i’ve been tired all weekend for no reason at all. i’ve been sleeping like crazy with no positive results. i think it’s just cuz it’s starting to get cold. like the weather seriously has an effect on my mood….

i dreamed about him last night.. and woke up wanting to finish it.. cuz in the dream, i left him. in real life, i left him. but i couldn’t go back and finish the end of the dream. maybe.. maybe this is how the end was supposed to be.

it KILLS me that he could die tomorrow and i wouldn’t know it.

my eyes are already irritated from “allergies,” i need not be crying.. i started tearing up at the beginning of Convocation today.. what the fuck is that? why am i so emotionally attached to this child anyway? when nothing ever even happened between us. yet i love him.

i’m so mixed up.. oh, wanna hear the other weird thought going through my head during Convocation this morning.. haha, i’m sorry but it was either sleeping, thinking, or listening to the music this morning. i tried to listen and care, i did, it just wasn’t happening.. but oh, i was thinking… you know that thing they always say about look to the left and to the right and one of these ppl won’t be graduating with you.. i was thinking.. maybe i might be one of those people. one of the ones who don’t end up graduating with the rest. i know, sounds like a stupid thought. i could label a lot of my thoughts stupid, but they’re not in actuality. each one is part of me. and if you want to call me stupid, that’s your deal. but i’m brilliant, bitch. lol. i’m just… i dunno, not as focused as people believe i am or should be. or something. now, i’m not trying to pull a Sandra Barnett and i REALLY want to be a good role model to my little sister.. but she is doing very well despite me and i just need to figure some things out. mmm.. welcome to independence.

in other news… changing the subject… the acoustic guitar can really get to me sometimes. i LOVE the song “Hypothetically” by Lyfe and Fantasia. (why don’t i have Lyfe’s cd again??) i saw the video for it (that’s when i first heard the song too) a couple days ago and now whenever i go to launch.com i have to watch it. i miss my Dell DJ so much..  aiight – while Hypothetically is on the good videos to watch list, i think John Legend’s video for “So High” is so ridiculous. it’s so corny, it makes me want to crack up laughing in shame when i see it come on. but since i hardly watch tv anymore, i hardly see it.. lucky me.

i missed my gurls soo much during the football game yesterday. it just wasn’t the same. and everyone’s families where there making me miss my family. for the first time, since like maybe the first week of school, i really wished i was back in Galloway. we won of course, 26 – 8 but i couldn’t wait until the game was over… Gami games, i was like “what? it’s over?… but everyone just got here!” LOL.

speaking of things to miss.. i’ve been missing my long(er) hair. i have a feeling i might go and get twists or braids earlier than i had planned to. oh, (why am i thinking of this) he played in my hair, my short hair, in my dream last night.

well, since i’ve now made a complete circle and am starting to talk about things i talked about in the beginning of this entry, i’ll end this piece. homework time??  i put Hypothetically back on.. i just had a flashback to my room back home.. how much days are there til Thanksgiving?


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