searching for a guide through life

question of the day: if tomorrow i woke up and had everything i “wanted,” would i be ready for it?

i was randomly reading someone’s xanga page and they posted the question – “what would you do if you dropped out of school?” didn’t have much time to dwell on it, but my initial thought was – i’d go back to jersey and get a job (like everything’s that simple). and you know, i was sitting here thinking about dear old Hampton (highschool part II..) and thinking about the different grievances i could make against it, but honestly, truly, forreal forreal – i need college. i could act like i was just taking the next step by going to college, but really, i think i needed this step (hmmm… imma have to refer to these thoughts when i’m on my Kanye West College Dropout shit). yeah, i know i’ve only been here about what – 8 weeks? but i’ve had that: “i can’t wait to graduate” feeling already sadly. but i mean, if i woke up tomorrow and there was a Hampton University diploma sitting on my wall… what the fuck would i do with myself then?? college fills in the hours in the day. right now i’m actually working for something – to complete these years, to get that diploma.. and i’m governed by the administration and the curriculum.. what am i going to do when i’m making all the decisions just for me? am i ready yet? i’m not too sure about that… i mean, there are countless ppl my age, doing the damn thing.. have yall heard of Helen Oyeyemi? well, she’s a random young woman who wrote her first novel The Icarus Girl at the age of 18. she’s 21 now – accepted a lucritive two-book deal from a major publisher, has written two plays, and is attending Cambridge University with a major in social and political sciences. that is wonderful…. me? sometimes i feel like such an underacheiver.. i mean, i could do more. i have the potential.. but i just get caught up in the frivolous day-to-day, in the role i unintentionally set up for myself years ago, and i’m so far stuck that i feel like i can’t start my first novel…. “can’t” is such a bad word…

it’s not only that though… i mean – i want a boyfriend… pathetic, yes… true, also yes… but really, if i woke up tomorrow with a boyfriend (not stating where the mythical boyfriend also woke up), would i be ready for it? i’ve never been in a relationship before and what i “want” is a relationship relationship versus a short-term, i-love-you-for-two-months kinda deal. but would i be ready to break my independence and current life patterns.. would i be willing to switch my focus like that?.. hopefully not changing myself in the process of the changes… same thing goes with a best friend – you know, one of those uber-tight relationships where yall are practically in each others classes and yall practically share the same rooms and the same families and the same clothes and everything else.. would i be ready for that for the same reasons as the boyfriend deal… or would we end up in petty little fights, playing out laura/carmella actions… or just.. i dunno..

if Corey came tomorrow.. like for serious, if i were walking to health class at 8:45 in the morning, and out of nowhere, he’s just there would i, could i (lol – sorry, not trying to sound like dr. suess) approach him correctly and in some way let him know some of the things that have been on my mind and tell him i’m sorry if i ever acted like an asshole and that i don’t want to lose touch with him again… would i be ready? or would i make light talk that doesn’t even hit close to that or worse, spaz out and keep walking to class, like a damn fool.

if i woke up tomorrow and i were forty pounds lighter, had my hair grown halfway down my back, had clear skin free of ezcema, and was maybe an inch or two taller, would i be ready for that? would i still be the same me and still love my body for being mine? or would i obcess more, like i need to just lose 5 more pounds or i should dye my hair, straighten it… would i get caught up in being materialistic something i never wanted to be? or would the new boost of confidence cause me to be unnecassarily promiscuous?

well – in any case, i think i need to either reevaluate what i “want” or start to be ready… cuz although i can’t control everything, i do have some power over my destiny, my future.. and frankly, i don’t want life to just pass me by…

have a good tomorrow!



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3 thoughts on “

  1. you kno, that’s definitely real… cuz i kno there’s things we want, but wen u realli think about it… some of the change ud make would keep urself from being u… who u are… is it worth it?? be happi with your life, cuz it was designed especially for u, and there is so much beauty in it….

  2. awww don’t b jealous!

  3. ps. u look naked in ur pic :-0!

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