searching for a guide through life

it’s never a good thing when you have to tell yourself to breathe…

i had something like an anxiety moment tonight. not close to anything i’d consider an anxiety attack, but i guess going in that direction.. i just had a lot of built up anxiety contributed to a lot of things. first of all, the fruit flies.. i hate bugs.. forreal. big, small, flying, crawling.. and for some reason, these little tiny bugs decided to come into my hall and filter into my room. weren’t there this morning.. stupid me and my leaving the door wide open… anyway.. you have to be anxious to be a professional bug killer.. which i was today. i think i got four of them bad boys… why were there four in my room to begin with? but yeah, that’s probably why frogs have a short life span.. all the stress from snatching flies out the sky. i’m telling ya.. you have to be extra alert and quick. it’s a skill. but besides that there was everything else. i came back to HU with this thought in my mind that i wanted a boyfriend… and for a girl who doesn’t put herself out there, doesn’t make the first move with guys, and is old-fashioned… that’s something to cause one to be a little anxious. that along with the fact that i can’t fuckin burn bridges.. i told myself i’d let go time and time again, but i can’t help thinking about that boy… why??…. my doornob’s still rattling.. i’m hoping that doesn’t break on me.. my family’s going through money troubles… my mom and sister may have to move back to the seaview house in the middle of the winter. my mom may have to get me to cash in all my savings bonds plus liquidate my checking account just to pay some bills… i mean, i’d give it to her and she’d pay me back.. it’s just that i appreciate the fact that i have a little money to my name and i don’t necessarily want to part with it and be dead broke again. my dad may lose his business and i worry about his health. he got his sleep machine in friday. i hope it improves his sleep apnea a lot cuz i want him to be healthy.. and this lady came in for unv 101 and talked about internships… so all afternoon i went online searching for internships and everything.. and i’m trying to settle my life all out and see what i need to be doing and when.. and sometimes i lose faith in my gift of writing and sometimes i am scared to death of being just a starving artist. the idea of being a professional writer scares me also. the time is passing by so fast.. first semester is nearly over.. my grades are straight but i feel like i should’ve done better. it’s just all the anxious thoughts seemed to pile up on me and i just had to tell myself to breathe.. and pray…. i’m straight now.. kinda.. just getting by and PUSHing…

PUSH — Pray Until Something Happens


PS.. I love KQs and our postas!!


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One thought on “

  1. imma be attacked by rodents!!

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