searching for a guide through life

been needing to write for a while now. i guess now’s as good a time as any – you know, when i have four written assignments for one class due tomorrow, three outlines i want to push out the way, and a project to research for another class. i don’t even want to check blackboard to see more upcoming obligations… i’ll get to that later.

anyway, yeah, life…. i wonder how many ppl actually read this xanga. i wonder how many ppl i know or who know me, either directly or indirectly, actually read this xanga and don’t say a thing about it… mmmm… the mysteries of online journals.. mrs. habron bought me an actual journal to write in during my freshman year and everything. i haven’t written a word in it. sometimes i think i should revert back to my written journal, but then again, i don’t. i dunno….

sometimes i think about listing my xanga page off my facebook or myspace page.. but then again, i guess it makes no sense. the ppl i want to read this don’t, even though i’ve told them about it. and then there’s someone else whom i want to read this, but i know that just wouldn’t be a wise idea… in all sorts of ways.. plus now that employers and officials are going through facebook and such..

but anyway… life… i hate my uncle’s predictions about me.. they’re so true… (lol, carin, are they true because i’ve used what he said and perceived them into my reality???) but yeah…

i’ve been sleeping a lot this weekend. i love my bed and i LOVE having a single.. ::sigh:: you know what i wish.. they should come up with some kind of a dream recording machine. i had this weird, dope, action movie type dream last night. lol. something i could write into a screenplay or something.. if only i had gotten it down.

why i’m going to starve as an artist: i don’t write.

i really don’t. but it feels to me like i can’t. and perhaps that’s the reason i don’t.

i don’t really know what i’m doing in college. it was like the next step, again. i was looking at my “things i wanna do before i die” list and getting my degree, from here and for this major, has nothing major to do with anything on that list. hmmmm… i think i’m too serious sometimes.

i’m also way too independent. and i’m not exactly like other girls. but then again, that’s my life. how could i live it any other way?

today’s the first time i went to church since i found out uncle eric died. it still doesn’t feel real, because at 19 years old, i still don’t know how to handle death well. church was ok, but i think i’m going to look for a different church home next yr. chapel just doesn’t seem to be doing it for me. i know – shouldn’t i be satisfied with just being in a house of the Lord? should i not be picky about my church home? i dunno. i wasn’t raised in a church home. for as long as we lived in the same place, we never really had a church home. there was always my grandparents’ churches when i went to visit them, but we were a different story. i don’t quite know why… but yeah.. which brings me to the thought that i’d like to go to church on the regular when i get home. but then again, where would i go? alisha and chrissy’s church, rev. bass’s church, mt. zion? and what do you do when your family has different preferences?

may cannot come fast enough. i no longer care about what i do this summer. yeah, terrible, i know. in the back of my mind, something is screaming – you better GET that internship. i think it’s sutton’s doing.. haha. he’s really a great teacher though. the best i’ve had at hampton so far. but where i am with life right now — i hate to sound unambitious, but putting 100% focus on being a professional journalist is not dominating my mindset. i’ve prob said this a zillion times already, but here’s for a zillion and one – i want to be home. yes, absence does make the heart grow founder and being 6 hours away has made me realize what i love so much about home. but also, i do fully acknowledge the fact that i’m growing up and i need to be a big girl and take care of responsibilities and get a life. but without my family and love and happiness and fulfilling my dreams, what is life? so i’m not really gonna stress. yeah, i’ll find some type of job this summer. and i’ll write. and i’ll go places. and hey, i might even call up friends and spontaneous ask to play softball or soccer or chill at the beach. i’ll work out – not because i should, but because it makes me feel good. i’ll cook meals with my sister and surprise my mom when she comes home from work. i’ll help with the old house. i’ll talk to my parents more about life in general and what they’ve gone through to make it thus far. maybe i’ll even strive for a relationship with my brother, no matter how much of a long shot that seems (he prob won’t even be home for but a second). but yeah… summer 06’s gonna be — good.

and i still can wish in the back of my mind for that first kiss… hey, miracles are something i believe in…



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One thought on “

  1. its bound to be a good summer

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