searching for a guide through life

i am sleepy as all… i dunno why. but i’ll try to get this entry out, take my nap and get started on some work (i hope).

— “i am not an and” —

i’m used to being single. clearly. but sometimes part of me wants more.
i called up mr. monroe a lil after midnight last night. sooo uptypical nicole. but there was that missed call on my phone and it’s not like he wouldn’t be up.. and i hadn’t talked to him in forever. it had only been a week exactly, but it literally felt like months. and i guess… i missed him… he’s not what i want, i know that. we’re just friends. we both know that. and i’m not trying to make him my fill-in, but sometimes it feels like in my mind, i’m taking steps toward that direction.
when i dream i wish i were with “first love.” which is stupid in the sense that i don’t even know him anymore. it’s more like loving a dream. sometimes i think that because of the way that i felt, there should be some type of happily ever after. i guess that’s stupid as well. i remember for the longest time i wanted closure. i wanted desperately to say “goodbye.” well, the opportunity came. those were the last words i said to him. and yet still, i’m not quite over….

— anyway —

in other news, i didn’t apply for the internship. i didn’t apply to anything for next yr. i guess i want my options open. sometimes i feel like the most confused individual… i say i don’t care about other ppl – about what they do, what they think.. – as in, “i’m an individual – others don’t phase me.” but yeah, you wanna hear reality? i compare myself to others. i look at those who are my age and doing big things with their lives. yes, i know, compared to a different set of my peers, i’m doing big things with my life. and while i know i have made great accomplishments, i could have done more, i should have done better. my options out there are nearly endless – it’s my drive that’s faulty. how bad do i want this?bad enough to get through what’s holding me back?

well, i think imma start on that nap now..


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