searching for a guide through life

growing up, moving on…

mmmm… the last week i’ve basically done absolutely nothing! LOL. yeah, i know – terrible. but i haven’t even been home from college for a whole week yet, so whateva..

anyway, the extra time has given me too much time to think and reflect – and eat. haha. i lost the dreaded freshman 15. instead of gaining weight during my first year, i lost weight, but now that i’m home… mmm…. oh, but ANYWHO. so i’ve been thinking about growing up, the changes i’ve made, the changes i haven’t made… where i am now and where i want to be. and you know, i’m proud of the woman i’m becoming, but i realize that in some aspects in my life, i’m kinda… paralyzed. like in the relationship department. i’m not trying to put deadlines on my life, but come on, i can’t really turn 20 without ever having a boyfriend, without ever having been on a date, without ever having my first kiss… well, i know i can, but ::sigh:: i don’t want to. and i realized today that my issue is that i really expect love to come up out of nowhere and sweep me off my feet. i expect my prince charming to just arrive and everything to be perfect. that’s not reality. i dunno – sometimes the fantasy consummates me and reality disappears. reality is – i loved him. i love him. but i was never in love with him. and that makes all the difference. i keep thinking… if only i had a second chance. what i need to do is give myself a second chance. to truly believe i can be in love. to truly believe in love.

and that’s all love. i’m so paralyzed when it comes to my writing. i mean, if this isn’t self-sabotage i dunno what is. i let the doubts, the fears, the comparisons and the jealousies keep me from achieving my dreams. and that won’t fly. not anymore.



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