searching for a guide through life

::keep ya heart, three stacks, keep ya heart::


where do i begin???

“There are a lot of things to think about, but nothing to worry about.”
-Matt Koepke

i been thinking a lot yall. too much maybe. and in typical nicole fashion, i’ve been keeping it all inside.

SO – here are my confessions (part ii.)

-1- i am disappointed with myself. – i’m broke as a joke. i’ve had to get money from my parents several times this summer. ugh, and it makes me feel bad. ‘specially since i know my family’s not in the best spot with the finances. thank God i get paid tomorrow. but it’s gonna take a lot money paychecks to bring me up to where i’m not worrying about it. i know, i know, you shouldn’t compare yourself to others, but when i do – i feel like such a failure. putting myself up with my baby sister is the worst. little is the better half of me, i know it and that’s a good thing. but i just feel… i dunno. it aint no sibling rivalry shit. we past that. it’s just… she’s doing so well for herself and i pale in comparison. i mean, we are two totally different people so there’s no fair matching up.. it’s just.. i dunno. i’ve been having problems with my boyfriend and this four year old veteran tries to give me advice and i can hear her sympathy over the phone, but that’s not what i need.. but, now i’m going on a tangent.. back to the point, i’m disappointed that i’m not playing it out to fit my heart. cuz i can deal with being broke – i can somehow get around it, but i am sick and tired of.. succeeding outside my dream. not when i could be really living it. next year has to be different. it just has to be. my New Years’ resolutions cannot be the same year after year. it can’t.

-2- i’ve considered dumping my boyfriend over voicemail. STUPID. i know. the fact that i know it’s a stupid idea is probably the one thing that’s keeping me from not doing it. that and the fact that i’ve already fallen in love with him. it’s hard, and i don’t know how long i can keep up this way. i cry before i go to sleep. i cry in the car on my way to work in the morning. i tear up everytime somebody mentions the Air Force. i hate the Air Force. then again.. i can’t hate the Air Force… but what i “strongly dislike” is the fact that this man has played with my heart being all enamored with me and then disappearing right off the face of the planet. and what bugs me is that i know his ass knows better. cuz he was the one to bring up how (he thought) ole’ boy before him wasn’t treating me right. i wish that part of him, the friend that i had in Ty, could come and beat some sense into this neglectful, “i’m sorry, baby” part of Ty. i mean, i guess i’ll give it a little more time. after that, i could be delivering those papers via voicemail cuz he aint never pick up the phone. i love him. i know that. but what i don’t know is that there’s a future for us together. and i don’t want to be alone, but i rather be that than brokenhearted. and besides, i’m alone right now anyway.

-3- i might be changing career tracks. ok… i need to stop, huh? but it kinda feels like a lie when i tell people that i’m planning on sticking with journalism. i mean, it’s a great industry, wonderful people, noble position, but i don’t feel like it’s my fit. what i’m scared about is that i can’t find anything that’s my fit. that’d be quite unfortunate. Marianne Williamson said, “our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” i hit this roadblock every time i even think about pursuing what i believe i was truly meant to pursue. and it makes no damn sense. you would think when you find your love, everything would be simple after that… i got some more growing up to do.



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