searching for a guide through life

so… i ran away again.
but this time, i ran HOME.

so, i made a mid-week escape back to new jersey. thank you rebelious colonists and oppressing Englishmen – thank you for the fourth of July. and to think, i was going to go right through working on Wednesday. that may have just killed me. haha, not really, but i don’t think they know how desparately i needed to come home. everyone around me was talking about being off on the holiday, so i put in a harmless inquiry to my boss – and i still don’t know if it’s gonna be counted as a paid holiday – but he told me to take it off.

and you don’t have to tell me twice. i hightailed out of there, ran by the house to dump some things in a backpack and headed on down the road. i am loving my sporatic 3-4 hour trips up and down the east coast. i dunno, there’s just something about car trips that i love. but yeah, i knew i needed to clear my mind and i knew home was where i had to go. because when it comes down to it, there’s no place like home. so i had a nice little rehab of cooking, grocery shopping with mommy, watching movies in my bed, hearing the brothers go on with their funny competitve nonsense, laughing with my sister, kisses, hugs, eating, familiar places and driving down 95 passing the philly skyline. i don’t care how short the vacation was. it was like heaven.

i’m back to earth now, but it’s cool too. i need to stop fooling around online and get myself to bed since i had to wake up at 4 in the morning to drive down to md for work. i should be more tired that i am, especially coupled with the fact that i was crying today, but surprising i’m doing fine. yep, i was crying at work today. i don’t think anyone saw.. or really noticed… or really cared, i guess, but that’s good. because what i’d really want — i’d like for me to be myself at all times in all situations. and if tears are how i’m feeling at the moment, then why hold back? so yeah, the tears have a reason – i was reading this heart-jerker story that my fellow biz reporter Joseph wrote about a MIA soldier from our area and of course, it had to be the one about an Air Force soldier and of course i had to be missing Ty like crazy and plus it was just such an amazing, well-written and -reported story that i could not help the tears from rolling down my cheeks. then i went into the bathroom where the downpour really happened and i was two minutes away from calling Ty when he sent me a text and it was just such the thing i needed to lift up my spirits. a few days ago, i was two steps away from telling him we should take a break. i left him a message saying how we didn’t know each other well enough and how i had a bad feeling that i was going to push him away and mess up everything.. because that’s what i do..and when i didn’t hear back from him, i was afraid i had really fucked things up. the thing is, i am scared.. and this is not what i thought it would be like. but i love him. so somehow, everything will work out fine.

well, i need to get out this laptop once and for all. thank goodness tomorrow’s friday!!!!



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2 thoughts on “

  1. Hmmm… pray about it. And then listen… hard. Make sure you hear what you’re supposed to hear and not just what you want to hear because relationships are too difficult for you not to have God on you side about it… esp. if its long distance. Happy writing!!

  2. you’re just what i needed too. come back!

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