A*North*Star

searching for a guide through life

can’t forget about you.

in a ways, i’m going through a rut. i used to have a joy for school, but honestly, it’s nearly completely gone. i don’t even have words for it. i’m doing this stuff now just to get by… and it shouldn’t be that way.

especially towards the end. cuz now i’m confused on what i really want to do with the rest of my life. i’m disenchanted with many aspects of the field i’m majoring in. but in college, you have to pick something. there’s no majoring in uncertainty. no majoring in a little bit of this and a little bit of that.

college has taught me a lot, really it has, i’m just disappointed that i’m not further along the path of my dreams.

perhaps i’ll get there. perhaps i’ll land that internship. the one that lets me know that this is what i want to do for the rest of my life – or at least for a good portion of my life… something that will make me really happy.

but we all know, happiness doesn’t just come from what you do for a living. it’s the type of person you are, it’s your family, your life “after hours.” but what i’m doing in life now… it’s taking away time and energy from me just strictly doing me… ya know? and that will kill a person’s soul. i see it everywhere. my dad is getting to the point where he won’t be able to walk — all because he overworked, overstressed and didn’t take enough care of his body. unfortunately, this is what the chase for money does to us.

“we spend all our health trying to get money and then all our money trying to restore our health…” or something like that.. that’s a quote from this thing called the interview with God.

speaking of God, i haven’t stepped foot in a church in over a month. the pastor from the church my mom goes to, he emails me every week. he loves us. and i feel so bad because i feel so disconnected from everything. almost everything that matters, i’m falling from.

my prayer this week is that God gives us enough energy so that we can restore, regroup and get back on the path. i’m hoping God gives us enough energy so that we actually wake up and go to church Sunday morning. i particularly want “us” to go to church, meaning me and my new boyfriend. cuz i see how work and life is heavily taking its toll on him, his health and his energy levels. everybody seems so exhausted lately. i just wish we all can get our joy back.

is that too much to ask for?

because i’m asking for it anyway.

,
Cole

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