searching for a guide through life

can i get a do over?????

ugh, ok. so life is still wonderful. i’m still alive, i’m still breathing. but it’s also still trying…

i need a redo with this whole school thing. i feel like being here in this position in school right now is pushing me farther from where i really want to be. hey – i know the whole degree thing will be great. i can apply for and secure professional jobs where i don’t have to work minimum wage and i have benefits like health care and such.. but i’m just.. so disconnected with everything right now. i’m not much excited about a job in my major. i haven’t have time to really pursue what i’d like. on top of which, i’m nervous about taking that risk. a girl at work told me she’s written like 100-something books… but she still works at cinema cafe. i mean, my dream is to be a novelist, but will i actually be able to do that??

another redo… i need to shake loose this mindset that i have against men. it’s holding me back. i know it. the whole trust/depending/relying/expectations deal. that bar isn’t set too high. i now hate the words “promise” and “sorry” (mostly because of my ex). they hold no meaning to me. and now that i’m in this new relationship, i keep seeing myself comparing him to the last. unfair, i know. but when i see the same issues pop up, it just brings me down so much. the sad thing is that i know where it all stems from – the trust issues, the dependancy issues. it stems from my father, the man i love the most in the world. and it’s been ingrained in me. i think it was subconscious at first, but now that i know it, it’s not like i can do anything to change it.

you know, i used to be an optimist. can i get that back too?

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