A*North*Star

searching for a guide through life

“i’m still standing. i’m still strong.”

i love that quote and it absolutely describes how i’ve been feeling lately. life has been using me as its punching bag lately. you know the saying, if it’s not one thing it’s another? well, yeah, that’s life right now.

my break from school was depressing for the most part. i mean, not all of it was bad. i got to spend time with my little cousins. they make me laugh. got to eat my grandmother’s food. saw a couple good movies. was able to go out and have my mom pay for most of my expenses.. instead of me having to pay for my shit and someone else’s like it is at home here.

but then, there were all the tears i cried. seeing the way my family is living at home. seeing my father in constant physical pain. being sick myself most the time. immersing myself in the bad mood and attitudes i had as a teenager. the constant underlying worry about my financial situation and career path. me missing my boyfriend.

so i guess you can say i was ready to be back.

but now i’m here. and i’ve been hit with a bunch of shit i was not even halfway prepared for. and it’s all centered around the man i refer to as the love of my life, the one i’ve been waiting for weeks to come back to. i feel like i’m in a daze. i don’t know what to think. i don’t know what direction to turn to, what step to make next. and although i should feel like all hope is lost and that i can never love again or trust again, although i should feel like there’s no reason to live, i don’t.

i don’t know what the reason to live is – i have no clue what my future holds for me – but i know that there is reason. and i know that my strength cannot be killed. like in the song “When You Believe” : Though hope is frail, it’s hard to kill.

Strangely enough, i’ve been finding my strength in love. the love that lives inside of me. and over and over i repeat:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it is not boastful, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it holds no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

pray for me.

 

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