searching for a guide through life

i remember the first time he made me cry.

“you’ll find a better nigga for you,” was something along the lines of things. he had been an ass to me all night. he was messed up off some shit and talking out his ass. i wanted him out my car. i wanted him to go home and sober up. and then he stated that mess as we were saying our goodbyes.

i rushed back to my car before the teargates really flooded out. i didn’t know why he’d hurt me like that, saying i’d be cool with another man, when i couldn’t even think about another guy, i didn’t want another dude, i just wanted him.

i took his boy home, but we stopped by Taco Bell first. nothing could stop my tears. i cried and cried in front of this man i hardly knew like that, the guy who would become my brother. that was the first time i cried over Justin to Blak – and definitely not the last.

“what do you want from him?” blak asked me. “you want to have his heart, huh?”

yes, i wanted his heart. only fair – he had mine. but i never got his heart. i don’t even have him anymore.

he told me he didn’t know how to love. he told me his past had fucked him up and he wanted to run away from this world. i think he gave me enough warning that the break-up would be coming.

but he also told me i was his angel and he needed me. i always wanted to hold on to the good more than the bad.

he was the first guy i was ever in love with. he was my partner in life. i actually thought one day, i would be his wife and i’d have his son.

but he lied, he cheated, he disrespected me, possibly put my life in danger, wasn’t there when i needed.

i was always there when he called.

he’s my heart – but i couldn’t take it anymore. i deserve better. and i can’t be there watching him ruin his life anymore.

i’ve let go and i’m giving it all to God. God put us in each other’s lives for a reason. God is the only one who can save him. i know, because He was the only one that could save me, when i was dying.

yes, this time is hard. i don’t concentrate in school. i have to force myself to eat. i have trouble sleeping at night and all i want to do all day is sleep through life.

but i’ll get through this. God’s got me.

faith, hope, and love, remember?




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3 thoughts on “

  1. It will be ok! And you’re absolutely right…you’ll get through this…you’re a child of God!

  2. us Dow women are strong.and this sounds like the end of a great novel. the best stories come from our experiences, our hearts.i love you Nicole

  3. Suga!!!! i know its doubtful, but you know ive been there. it can get better if you let it. Something i recently learned- sometimes a person in our life may be nothing more than an experience…a test or quiz to see how far we are progressing. and we have to be willing to let them go. its hard as hell…but it makes u stronger.
    i love u my darling, and if you need me..u have my number

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