searching for a guide through life

it could be worse.

isn’t it shitty when the only solace you have to your situation is: well, it could be worse.

it could be worse, but it is what it is, and where it is is pretty fucking messed up.

i’m waiting for the seasons to change so maybe the winter depression will slide its way off.. but then again, wasn’t i depressed last summer? didn’t i cry on the way to work and the way from work and lying in bed at night and once even during work..

i need to catch a fucking break.

i’ve stopped talking to some people cuz i’m embarrassed at what i have to say. did i do this to myself? maybe.

i guess there were a lot of shoulda, woulda, couldas.. yet at least this time around, i don’t have to deal with that fact that i was too afraid to love.

i loved. whole-heartedly. with everything, EVERYTHING, that i had. and now i’m just tired. i’ve been depleted and rejected, disrespected and hurt, and i’m so fucking tired. i don’t even like to think of the prospect of moving on.

but i will. life doesn’t allow you to stay in one spot for too long and neither does hampton university. i’ll put on the face and get the job and get my money. i’ll pay my debts, eventually find my place and establish my life. i’ll relearn trust and gain back courage and refind comfort. i don’t have to talk about keeping it real, cuz i always do that.

i might cut my hair, straighten it, dye it red.. something drastic. and maybe i’ll give the relatives a real reason to say i’m losing weight.

one day, i’ll fall asleep without missing him, hating him, wanting him, needing him.

will i love again? probably. cuz that’s just the way love goes.

will i forget? never ever in my life.

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