searching for a guide through life


so, i literally cried on his shoulder the other night. hot tears streaming down as i explained to him that as much as i talk to God, lately i just can’t hear anything back. as much as i want to, as much as i need to, i can’t seem to listen. i know that He’ll never leave me and never forsake me and that He loves me more than i can define love… but it’s frustrating to want Him and not be able to have my life together to the point where He’s the main focus in my life and i can allow Him to guide me and i can hear His response to my prayers. it’s so damn frustrating.

justin witnessed me emotionally break down. he watched his girlfirend go through a situation that he has never ever witnessed firsthand upfront. i think i have always been nervous about exposing all sides of me. especially the weakness, especially the insecurity, the fears, the tears. i guess part of me thought he’d turn away.. not like what he’d see. but what did he do? he loved me even more. he held me, gently told me that it was okay to cry. and that everything would be ok.

i have a keeper. i have a best friend, a love of my life, a soulmate. i have forever right now. i have joy. and it’s him. i. love. that. man. so. much.

our one year anniversary’s tomorrow, but we’re celebrating today. i never had this. and though the girly part of me dreams of flowers and jewelry and dinner and cards, i just want to be with him. just want to hold his hand and wrap my body inside his arms and just be. i thank God for him. i’m so in love.

i realize i’m blessed. and i’m going to make a stronger effort to listen harder. to clear my life of the craziness, stressful, drama-filled noise and listen. do better. live stronger. love harder. and listen. i need to try not to be so afraid and so doubtful. stop worrying and trust in Him. God placed me on this earth to achieve certain things, so i need to get crackin. i owe Him my life.

, Cole

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