searching for a guide through life


<<If you wake up in the morning, and you can’t think anything but singing, then you should be a singer, girl.>>

remember that from Sister Act II? man, that is my movie right there. today, in church, the liturgical dancers performed to the song “His Eye is on the Sparrow” from the Sister Act II soundtrack. i nearly cried listening to the song. i love that song. its meaning… and when lauryn hill’s voice came in there…. mmmm.. i was rocking in my seat, nodding my head, tearing up. you know, this is only my second time going to that church, but i really really like it there. when they gave the invitational call, i wanted to go up there and join. and get baptized. but i dunno. i think my shyness, my lack of courage, kept me standing in the pew where i was. i don’t have any doubts that i believe in Jesus Christ and know He died for my sins and know that He’s my love, my life and my Savior… but at the same time, i know i don’t live my life right, perfectly, and i don’t know if i can. i don’t want to be a hypocrite.

well, but anyways… that quote above has been holding a lot of meaning for me lately. because i wake up in the morning and all i can think about is writing. i think about justin and i think about writing – all the stories i have in my head, either read or created. when i watch movies, i think about how the screenwriter created the story. the plot flow, the action and the dialogue. i love movie dialogue. especially after taking that screenwriting class at HU and writing my very own screenplay. even though i havent been writing lately, every day confirms more and more that i want to be a writer. that i’m supposed to be a writer. there’s some amazing about knowing with clarity something that you were meant to do on this earth. but that doesn’t mean i don’t have my doubts. i’m not excited about the unstable nature of creative professions. whether it’s acting, writing, singing, whatever… they’re not the most stable careers. you’ve heard the term “starving artist.” you’ve heard about the people who move to new york or hollywood to get their big break and end up waiting tables for the majority of their lives. artists don’t get regular salaries… paychecks every two weeks. and then your monetary rewards are based on how much the public likes you. for a girl who’s never cared much what other people think about her, this is something that’s hard to swallow. as an artist, sometimes you’re hot and sometimes you’re not. for a couple years you might be up on the mainstage only to disappear into obscurity for a decade. hmmm.. it’s hard. that’s why i’ve always pushed against it. i never thought of my love of writing and the written word as a legitimate career. it’s like, thanks God for letting me know my purpose in this world… but why did it have to be in the arts??? LOL. well, i’ll work around that, i suppose. i just finished school so the world is my oyster really. it’s up to me to decide what next step to take. so i better start embracing carpel tunnel syndrome in the day and put on my waitress smile at night. ::sigh::

well anyway, besides all that – i have to say that i’m blessed to be …. in my own home!!! it’s great. a nice three bedroom, two and a half bathroom townhouse. i have roommates, but my name is on the lease too. i can say that i’ve officially left the nest. before i was down here for school, but now i actually have my own place. i feel so blessed about that.

my health is turning around, so i’m thankful about that too. my baby aka my car is doing fine for the most part. man, me and my car have been though a lot recently.. yes sir. but hopefully, we’ll be aiight for a min.

man, it’s crazy… i’m becoming an “adult.”

now the love.life….. hmmm.. don’t quite know what to say about that. i love him every minute of every day… and that’s not an exaggeration. but at the same time, he isn’t here… and maybe he needs to be there, where he is.. which, unfortunately is far away from me. we haven’t been the best people for each other at all times. and we both have a deal of growing up to be stronger, better individuals. but that doesn’t diminish my desire to want him here. to work on things together. hmmm… we’ll see..

well, that’s that. on to other matters.

adieu! God bless.

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  1. thats how I am with writing too! I spent 08 in a rut as far as my writing was concerned, but now I’m resolving to write at least 5 days a week, even if it’s nothing but a short poem! I’m sooo in love with the written word, it’s ridiculous! I’m such a geek, lookin up words and finding ways to weave them into art…and I just drool over beautifully written articles, books, etc…it IS art…and so I can totally relate! I’m not excited about the unstableness of it either…I love to sing but it’s highly unlikely I’ll make a career out of it…don’t like the lifestyle! besides, the written word is my first love girl if you like it, maybe you should join! But at the same time, do it when you’re ready! It took me two months to join! You don’t have to be perfect and do everything totally right…God just wants us to LOVE HIM, TRUST HIM, and live our lives for HIM. He didn’t say live PERFECTLY…that’s why we have GRACE and MERCY! and congrats on the house and the car…man you’re all grown up now, awwww! lol

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