let the rain wash over me…
…told you it wouldn’t be only rainbows and gumdrops.
so i pushed away the shyness and finally called florida yesterday. he wasn’t there. it would be too good if he were there. lonnie answered the phone, i believe. affirmed that he would pass along the message to his son. four hours later, i was convulsing in tears on my bed. crumpled… naked… in a fetal position. feeling as though the pain were fatal.
turned off the alarm clock this morning. didn’t really want to wake up at all. everything reminds me of him. and i’m frustrated at how i always end up here. i always end up here. i play over our memories. question what parts were true, what parts were him placating me. think about the aswers i deserve, but may never get.
this is the part where i’m supposed to be strong. where i’m supposed to think about my other blessings and how wonderful of a person i am and how i am not broken, how he will not break me… this is when i’m supposed to agree with my girlfriend’s advice that everything will work out the way it’s supposed to. instead, i just want to crumple up into a ball and sleep.
i need to read the end of the book of Job. i started reading it a couple weeks back and never finished. i need to understand how someone hit so hard got his hope back.
i’m still hoping, but i’m hoping for distractions. i’m hoping for less reminders (like that’s possible). i’m praying with all my might that i get a decent job and won’t have to ask to get my position back at the place we used to work. the place i met him.
i wonder how different my life would be if i never met him. but at the same time, i’m so glad there are no rewind buttons in life.
i loved him, love him, will love him.
but still.. twin better not call me back unless he’s gonna be helpful…
gosh, i need a… i don’t know.
i’m so worried if i can do this. being on my own is hard. i know the current balance in my bank account won’t cover next month’s rent and that creates anxiety in my soul. i need help, but no one’s there to rescue me. not yet.
i miss my family. miss my sister. but i feel as though she and me will never be the same. i’m losing everyone.
lose. lone. love. funny how those words are so similar.