searching for a guide through life

“when i was a child, i talked like a child, i thought like a child, i reasoned like a child. when i became a (wo)man, i put childish ways behind me.”
– 1 Corinthians 13:11

when i think about first Corithians chapter 13 (and i do so often), i normally just think about the first several verses regarding the gift of love and what love is and what love is not. but the verse above is definately very very important to keep in mind.

maturing – becoming a man or becoming a woman – takes a lot. it takes work but it sure as hell takes a whole lot of conscious effort. it takes letting things go, things of the past, those childish qualities we sometimes want to hold on to. it’s crazy – it’s like once you hit this certain period in your life, almost everything becomes level playing field. back when we were kids we had distinct hallways that seperated the third graders from the fifth graders because those two mere years in age made us that different. now, i know people in their forties in the same situations i’m in. people younger than me have spouses and kids. folks my parents age are still single living with their parents, trying to make it. there are no distinct separations anymore. we’re just free, independent people trying to live. and truly live, at that.

i still question everything, but for the most part, i’m at a really good place in my life right now. i look in the mirror every day and i have to say i’m pleased at what i see. i could be better, but Lord knows i could be worse, so i just feel at peace with where i am.

i wear my hair down just about all the time. helps me look my age, and i love that. love my new hair color too. ((kisses to Loren!!)) me and God talk on the regular. He keeps me sane and grounded. although i think i talk more than listen… i enjoy my own space. i sing more, am naked more. two pluses in my book… work has me busy and distracted, but it pays off – pays the rent and food so i can’t really complain. still looking to spread my wings in other ventures. i’m stuck on land now, but one day i will soar. hopefully one day soon.

my friends/sisters keep me from going crazy in my loneliness, but with the venting comes having to hear stuff back that i don’t want to hear. i know they just care. but i think i worry about myself a ton more than they ever could, so i dunno if i need to relearn how NOT to vent to certain people.

i’m debating what i should do for my birthday. i’m turning 22 soon. i always get hype about my birthday before it comes, then on the day of, it’s never as great as what i built up in my head. my birthday falls on a friday this year, so of course, i’ll be working. i could have scheduled it off, but there’s supposed to be this big, crazy band coming to our place that weekend, meaning it just might be a great day/weekend for tips. and what struggling twenty-something turns down good money just because that day happens to fall on the anniversary of her birth?? haha… well, so i decided i’m going to celebrate beforehand. i’m either doing one of the two following self-indulgent things (or so i say now). i’m either staying here and going out for hibachi, sushi, drinks, the whole nine with friends. OR i’m taking my first independent, half-a-day-driving solo vaca to florida in hopes to enjoy some sun, get to a beach, and spend time with my h.e.a.r.t. both choices are expensive and self-indulgent. i’d save more money if i forego the trip, and plus i’ve been craving japanese food for months. but i really want to go to florida bad – not for the beaches but to spend just one night with justin. ugh, this is exactly why it’s dangerous to fall in love.

but anyways, despite today being sad/depressing/lonely/hungry/lazy, it made me smile that i got positive feedback on a poem off my creative writing blog from one of the best, no actually the best, poets/writers that i personally know. check the other blog out at firstwordz.blogspot.com. oh, and i have to do bday shout outs, even though i know it’s past midnight now. feb 17th is my dad’s bday, and i was recently told that it was antwan’s daughter’s bday too. so happy bday, daddy and jah’nya!!

now the countdown to mine can begin.. hahaa.. lemme stop.



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