“i’m still standing. i’m still strong.”
he used to call me his angel. and i believed that. i wanted to be that for him. just like i wanted to be that for first.love. the thing is… i’m only human. so i’m going to stop acting like i can be somebody’s miracle and instead just be…
those close to me that know the situation i’ve been through recently and know about the relationship i’ve been in for the past year and a half, would probably question why i’m so caught up in his pain. he’s hurt me so much, pain that’s damn near indescribable. shit that hurt so bad. but hearing in his voice how i hurt him too… is a pain just as strong. because i’ve been wanting to block him from the hurt. i wanted to be better than the other bitches that have done him dirty… even knowing that he’s definately done his own share of wrong. but i fucked up too.
i never meant to hurt him. just like i choose to believe he doesn’t intentionally mean to hurt me. but it happens. it happened. i gave in to a temptation, which is an issue of mine. i was numb and blocked out the rational thoughts. i did, instead of thinking about the consequences first. and because of that, i lost part of the love and respect of my best friend, which meant the world to me.
now we’re faced with: what next.
so much of my life is “what next.”
i’m done with school: what next.
my lease is up in a few months: what next.
my friends are moving seperate ways: what next.
our relationship had never been perfect. i’ve already gone through feeling as though i’ve lost him only for us to come back to each others arms. and he says he still wants to be in my life, and i still want to be in his. but now we have to concentrate on what’s the best decision for us. and sometimes, unfortunately, that best decision isn’t the outcome we dream of.
i know what i want. ironically, i’m not a confused twenty-something, unsure of what she wants in the world. i know exactly what i want. my issue is fighting through the hurdles to achieve what i want, and knowing that the world is the world – and sometimes the world isn’t willing to give you what you want, especially when it involves individuals other than yourself.
so that’s where i am right now. and although i could let the uncertainty break me down, i choose to stay strong. i swear, without my faith, i’d be broken. absolutely broken. i chat with God every day, and somehow He brings me through. i wake up the next morning, even when i feel like i don’t deserve it or i don’t want to or i can’t see how i’m going make it through to a better tomorrow. He holds me down. unwavering. now that’s love.
i’m praying that this next phase in my life, this new “what next,” is blessed. i have dreams and plans, and i know imma have to work hella hard just to move an inch, especially considering the state of this economy. but i just gotta make it. and i want to do a lot of random nicole things too. just miscellaneous stuff to make me happy. learn how to ride motorcycles, speak Spanish fluently, take pole dancing lessons, travel, express my artistic side more often (especially with photography), cook…
life is short. and i want to be happy.