searching for a guide through life

spring cleaning… saying goodbye…

it’s that time again. packing up, moving out, leaving friends. but this time it’s slightly different. because this time, we’re finished. it’s over. and life must begin.

it’s funny cuz i’ve graduated nearly four months ago. i’m already in the “real world.” smack dab in the middle of “life.” but i can’t help but thinking that staying here has kept me stunted, stuck. and i don’t know if it’s being accustomed to the four month semester lifestyle or if the itch to move on is more about me knowing i have bigger and better things to accomplish and i can’t just stay where it’s comfortable.

::do not go gentle into that good night::

it’s hard. i can’t say the world has it set up for me to fail, but the world has many many obstacles. so what if after all that, i leave the comfort of friends and family and familiarity and find myself right back to just being a waitress, working long hours, not having the life i’ve wanted, never accomplishing my goals? what if the good i dream of turns bad? is that all part of taking the risk? what if i find that i can’t do it? or what if i get hurt again and end up all alone?

i guess those are my fears.

but… i think it’s a risk worth taking. i’m sorry, i know it’s a risk worth taking.

sometimes jumping out on a limb doesn’t quite turn out how you expect it to be. like my mother told me yesterday: God keeps us guessing. me and Courtney used to always wish that God would come down and give us the exact answers, tell us the exact path to go. but it’s not that simple. sometimes we have to stay quiet to listen to Him. sometimes we have to step out on faith. the Bible tells us that He will not leave us or foresake us.

::keep your faith::

so… i still wanna write, even though i haven’t done so in a while. i still want to work in some compacity that helps others, preferably a nonprofit organization. i also want to express my creativity and organization skills in event planning or hospitality. and now.. i want to move.. to florida.

because i love him and i miss him and i want a future with him. because i’ve found a home in the south. i’ve found home with him. because i can’t be selfish enough to pull him away from his daughter, even if he’s lived away from her before.

it’s been so long since we’ve been together. there’s a lot i want to tell him, a lot i want to do with him, a lot i want for him and me and us. i hope that God gives us that opportunity and blesses our life.

and i know that moving will mean distancing myself further away from my family, if only physically. but distance is distance. and i’m trying to figure out how to let them know that going farther will not mean that i love them any less. i will never move back to new jersey, out of my own will. it’s not for me. my family has watched me grow, gain wings and fly. and i’m flying away. but i’ll never forget where i came from, no matter how quiet i am, how far i go. i am me because of them. always and forever.


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