searching for a guide through life

…stop this train…

so.. i’ve reached a plateau. it’s the only way i can describe it. i’ve reached a flat level of contentment where i’m above water, away from immediate struggle and danger, yet so far from the elevated level i should be.

i have a job, which i enjoy — probably more than i’ve enjoyed any other job i’ve had — but i know it’s not going anywhere. it’s a job for students and young people. i’m either out or am fading out of those categories fast. i think i’m the only server with a bachelor’s degree still hanging around, cuz i say i haven’t found my “real” job yet. honestly, i haven’t put in enough effort to get a “real” job. i try to blaim it on the economy or my location. i say that at least i have a job. i could be unemployed right now. i’m thankful of what i have. i earn enough to pay the bills month by month, have food in the house, and even have added spending money to go out with friends or take a road trip here or there. but this is really not enough. i’m hardly saving anything. i have no higher future goals. i’m just here.. living day by day and i’m beginning to think that this just isn’t cutting it.

i’m in love… so in love… with a man who is confident that we will never end up together. and so more and more, i’m opening my eyes to the reality of our situation. i’m understanding that i am not the woman for him and as much as i want him to be the man for me… maybe that isn’t his role. i can’t define us… i hate to try. he was supposed to be my future. he was my everything. my ev-ery-thing. now each day i have to convince myself more and more not to be in love with him. it sucks. it’s like being dealt a bomb ass hand with all the face cards but come to find out the other team has nothing but spades and they cut u each time. there’s nothing i can do. i can’t win. i can’t make him marry me and give me children. i can’t force him to be my happily ever after and wake up next to me every morning for the rest of my life. i can’t be his angel. so we’re here together for a limited time only. he’s my best friend, my only lover, but knowing that this is all temporary really fucks with my head. he acts like i’m young so i shouldn’t worry about the future like that, but how am i not to? the first time i loved and lost, yeah.. i thought i’d never love again. but i’d come to have other guys in my life. they were cool, but i didn’t love ’em. then there was justin, and he showed me that i could love again. and i did. so, i mean, it’s definitely possible that there’s still someone out there for me. but i think next time my ass will be stubborn as hell about it. i’m not sure i’ll allow myself to fall again. my track record concerning this love thing hasn’t been so hot. and i don’t want anybody else.

::sigh:: sometimes i feel like i’m so far lost and gone. each night i pray that God will guide me down the right path, but i can’t clear my mind out enough to listen to Him. why can’t i hear him? why don’t i listen?

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