searching for a guide through life

:: a dream is a wish your heart makes ::


soooooo…. still kinda stuck in a rut. i try to be hopeful, but at the same time, it’s so easy to be discouraged. i’m on the job hunt once again, because i cannot stand to stay stuck in the cycle i am with my current job. dont get me wrong, i am entirely happy to be employed and there is nothing wrong with being a waitress/bartender, but when it takes up all your time so that that’s all there is to my life… i just want more. i have dreams.

when is the last time that i wrote? it’s been a while. and though i’ve made progress with chapters 1 and 2, as i sit on it i keep thinking how much i want to scrap it and start from the beginning. won’t be the first time. at least i still want to stick with Not From New York. the first major novel idea i had, i scrapped completely. i think my inner issue is that writing a book involves a lot of time and patience. so what if i do all that and no one likes it? or people like it, but no one wants it? yes, i want to be a writer because i love the craft, but i also want to profit financially from it. we still need to eat.

i wonder if things would be different if it were just me i had to worry about. no we. i dont reflect on it often, but im proud i’m making it on my own. im glad i didnt move back in with my parents and that im trying to be independent. and i love my we. i mean, our relationship isn’t perfect, but i love him with everything that i am. and though i know through experience how complicated love can be… it’s one of the strongest forces on this earth. i swear to you.

what i need to pray for more these days is optimism, drive and growth. if i stay stagnant like this, it will be really ruin my opportunities and potential. four years ago, i was just about to move from nj to va. i graduated top of my class, was excited about the new experiences i would take on at a HBCU. i was a chubby young woman with a short afro straight from the 60s. full of dreams, short on experience. these past four years have taught me a lot about life. these past four years, i’ve grown, i’ve blossomed. my life is not supposed to peak at age 22. when i look back four years from now i want to think, wow, look how much i’ve grown. look at how i’ve progressed into a better woman. i dream of success and happiness and an extended family. my family finally got to meet my boyfriend a couple weeks ago and they loved him. i’m pretty sure he liked them too. when i went down to his hometown, i only saw his parents for a minute. barely long enough to make any kind of impression. but his family is always in my heart. especially his daughter. i think about her a lot. i never met her but i love her. i recently had a pregnancy scare and i realized that i have time before it comes to having kids of my own. i definitely want them, i definitely want them with the man i love, but right now, i need to get my life in order first.

well, time to get back to business…



:: if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true ::

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