A*North*Star

searching for a guide through life

fuzzy caterpillars.

the other day i saw fuzzy caterpillars. and not the ugly, fat, dark ones either. these were small, yellow, wiggly fuzzy caterpillars hanging by my door, there to tell me one message and one message only: fall is here. yep, summer has slipped by and fall is at our doorstep. i almost can’t believe it, but i can.

i spent the entire summer working, and not a huge whole lot to show for it. but God keeps blessing me every day. that’s why i have a roof over my head, food in my belly and dreams in my heart. yeah, it’s been rough. i’m just bouncing back from an enourmous wave of depression. one that came along with very strong suicidal thoughts. i was so close to giving up, so close to not being anymore. feelings of hope were nonexistant. and yeah, a lot of the life situations that i was going through haven’t changed and i still have my worries and doubts and disappointments, but i have a better sense of my purpose and that my mission in life isn’t to kill myself at age 22. i have to keep fighting.

so currently, i’m on the search for a new job, still looking for new roommates, am about to set up a savings plan with my boyfriend so that we can have enough to cover our expenses and to fund our next move. we may be moving to atlanta in jan. 2010. moving kinda scares me. only because i like this area so much and i’m afraid to move beyond my safety net. i mean, here at least i know people, at least i have a job and a home and a setting i’m familiar with. but moving to atlanta might give me and my boyfriend the opportunity to have better jobs. the graduate school that i’d like to attend is down there too (if i do indeed plan to take that route). my grandparents are there.. i have a feeling that they’re feeling lonely – at least my grandfather calls my dad regularly to compain about why no one checks up on them. i love my family, and maybe this is the time to actively show that love. it’d be cool to establish my career and life down there with the possibility of returning back to hampton roads to raise a family and live several years later. so we’ll see.

i just have to remind myself to stay optimistic. eventually i’ll get my wings.

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