searching for a guide through life

so i guess when it rains, it pours.

in the meantime, while trying to figure out how we’re going to cover rent with our roommates gone, how i’m going to cope at my crappy job, and how i’m going to lessen my general feelings of depression, my boyfriend/bestfriend decides to break up with me. it’s been, what, 2 days since his big blow up.. i really don’t know ’cause it feels like all time is just smushed together.

this really hit me… hard. hasn’t been the first time he’s broken my heart or made it hurt, but this was so different. it basically came out of the blue. i can’t even think of anything i did to make him blow up. and when i say blow up… yeah.. it was a disaster. like me-curled-up-in-a-ball-trying-to-call-anyone-who-would-talk-me-through-it-cuz-if-i-didn’t-stay-on-the-phone-i-wouldn’t-be-able-to-cope disaster. like me-being-afraid-of-him-for-the-first-time disaster. like getting-so-close-to-calling-my-cousins-or-better-yet-the-police disaster. i would say it was horrible, but horrible doesn’t even being to cover it. i felt like i was in a living nightmare. i was. i might still be.

life is surreal now because he’s still here. not that life would be better if he were gone. but we overcame the initial damage, and he’s still here. he was supposed to move out of the house, which became moving into a different room, because i still need a roommate and he has no place to go. but that isn’t working. i still love him. with all my heart, i still love him. and i don’t want to move on without him. i feel like the stupid girl. you know, the one who stays in the toxic relationship because she just can’t let go? i’m her. i was never supposed to be that girl.

he was my family. he tells me that it needs to be this way because he needs to get his life together, we both need to get our (seperate) lives together. but you aren’t supposed to abandon your family. he promised me he’d be there for me and he’d never leave and that he loved me. broken promises. you know what’s funny? before him, i was more cynical about love, more practical minded, and i knew promises didn’t mean forever. i guess love not only makes you blind, it erases your memory. with him, i believed. you know, that love is stronger than anything. maybe i was still being naiive.

i feel like he gave up on me. and no matter how strong i try to be, i don’t know how i’ll get through this and come out on the other side happy. when he was gone before, i moved on, but i missed him all the time. was never fully happy. not like i was with him. and now he’s here, but he’s really gone. it’s like the sand slipping through your fingers. eventually you’ll look down and it’ll all be gone. i try to hold on to him tight when i can. because i don’t know how to stop loving him and i don’t know how to just be his friend. i try to act like i’m alright now. like the storm is over. but that’s not true. he was supposed to be my heart, my future.

so where do i go from here?

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