A*North*Star

searching for a guide through life

i’m having a hard time finding my way…

it’s difficult, it really is. and i wish i had help. i wish i had answers. but this is the kind of thing where you have to figure it out on your own i guess.

it’s strange though, because i feel like i’m going backwards. i used to be confident and focused and directed. now i’m just taking each day at a time with nothing solid in the future to focus on, and i feel this great sense of emptiness and loss. even the things i know i want, i just don’t know how to get to that point. i try to distract myself but this is something that’s not going away.

and i know i’m blessed. i know. i have an awesome best friend/boyfriend who is still with me… even though we go through tough times. i just got offered a new job, which will hopefully mean better hours and better pay. i have a wonderful family who loves me. BUT… there’s always the buts. i want to settle down with my boyfriend and build a family, but i know he’s not ready for that yet. i wish i were closer to him in ways.. i wish i were closer to his family. i feel like they’ll judge me.. i’ve never worried about anybody judging me before. i dunno, it seems like as i grow older, i’m more driven to being in a family unit again. i’m ready for marriage and kids, well mentally i am.. financially… not so much. i already feel guilty that i don’t have enough to contribute to my family, so that we can live and live comfortably and enjoy our lives. i’m looking for my big break. i’m looking for that awesome well-paying career with benefits and that is fulfilling at the same time. but where do i find that? after graduating early with highest honors i feel somewhat disappointed that i just work as a waitress or in retail. i know things that i love to do, but to make a career out of that to support myself and my family.. i dont know. maybe it would be easier to just settle with something else…

i guess i have a lot of soul searching to do….

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