searching for a guide through life

so i need help.


help from a nice, caring soul… a friend with only the best intentions. i’m stuck in a rut that i’ve put myself in and i seriously need help before i go bonkers.

confession: i sort of paused my life and i’m sort of ok with it.

now don’t get me wrong, i’m incredibly disappointed with myself and i don’t plan on being in said rut for much longer. it’s just that, this is my first lazy break in months, years, and i’m  kinda digging it a little.

sure, i miss working. i’ve been out of work for a month now. definitely not something i’m proud of. and i miss having a purpose… having somewhere to be 5 or 6 days out the week. i miss making money.. but on the other hand, God, is it good to be taken care of for a minute. ::phew:: yes, i admitted it. after struggling to not only take care of me but struggling to hold down a minihousehold in my early twenties, i won’t lie, it feels good to not.

ok. ok. i definitely feel like a horrible person for admitting that, but it’s true.

but the worst part – i don’t know where to go next…

from the beginning, my life’s been about order. go to school. check. get good grades. check. go to college. check. graduate with honors. check. next would be get good job. there is where i fucked up. WHY, you ask? i dunno. maybe it’s because i don’t know what a good job is. maybe because i’m too picky. maybe because i don’t believe in myself enough to do what i want so i settle. yeah…. i think that might be it.

here’s the thing. i spend forever “job searching” online. and when i do find a great job, instead of applying right away, i mull over it for days, weeks… and unfortunately when i get back to it with a perfect cover letter and tight resume and daydreams about how life at that job would be, the position is no longer open. so i’m sad for a little while, sulk, kick myself for being a stupid loser yet AGAIN, and then i repeat the process. it sucks. but when i’m distracting myself with a life with less responsibilities, it’s easier to accept. i’ll just fill in the stress time by reading or writing or blog surfing or watching greys anatomy on dvd.

i put off what i can do today for tomorrow and i constantly hate myself for it.

i don’t like where i’ve taken myself, you know, when i look at the big picture. cuz small picture… i love hanging around my mom and playing with the new dog and baking and cooking and having time to read and write… but big picture — i’m falling into a cycle of ignoring me and life and what i want to do. i’m existing, not living. and so i need help.


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