A*North*Star

searching for a guide through life

i am sooo jumping ahead of myself. or am i?

my brain works weird. i overthink everything and then i overthink overthinking. i have WAY too many thoughts, WAY too many fantasies, and to top it off i’m semi dyslexic.

i just can’t seem to focus. it’s bad.

i’m here today, at the library, because i’m supposed to be cracking down on applying for jobs. and i need a job badly. i just have no discipline for the process. it’s not like in school where i had something due and i just force myself to do it. instead i allow myself to get distracted. i start looking up books and authors and blogs, because i’m so into those things. or my select favorite tv shows.. i check facebook over and over. then i think about my own blogs and my own novel ideas. which makes me think about my ideas for self-enterprising.. the cookie business, the nonprofit, freelancing.. i wonder about grad schools and i start searching for the best business schools… but what about getting a masters in teaching instead? there is sooo much i want to learn. but i’m not a damn island! what i choose to do has an impact on others and what they choose to do has an impact on me. i want justin in my life altogether. bottom line. i love him.. so so much. i hate our time apart and i just want to go back. i want him to have his life and his dreams accomplished and him to do well for himself. so do i just stay satisfied with us each doing our own thing even if we live states apart. or do i find a way for us to live together again, even if one of us forgoes some of our dreams?

::sigh::

and i keep thinking of marriage. yes, while all the marriages around us are crumbling and falling. well, not all. namely, my parents and his twin brother’s. wow, i remember when i used to wonder if buddy getting married would make his brother think about getting married to me. wow… anyway, yeah. i want him in that way. that forever way. even though our relationship has had its kinks and bumps. he tells me its not a bad thing for me to be thinking about getting engaged. he says he’s looked at rings. he says that yes, he wants to settle down and get married to me someday. but there’s that darn word someday. what the hell does that mean?! especially when we’re getting older and trying to establish stable lives for each other. especially when his daughter is getting older by the minute and i havent even been introduced to her yet. that’s so NOT fair to me. if you don’t want me in your family then just TELL me that. we can work out our relationship into just a good friendship. we can still have all the great benefits for a little while, until we’re ok to move on. even though i’ll never stop loving you. i just won’t. i just can’t. i can’t ever stop loving you the way i do. God’s placed you on my heart. there’s no backsies. but yes, at least then i can logically tell myself in my head to calm down… that the happily ever after won’t be happening like planned and it’s ok to just move along. how long do i wait?

ok, i’m definitely neurotic and going through a quarterlife crisis.

:-/

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