it’s my birthday today. i’m not happy.
my stomach hurts because i forgot to eat breakfast. i’m at the library listening to this teenage brat whine on the phone. aren’t you supposed to be QUIET in libraries? this is really ridiculous.
he hasn’t called yet. he never usually calls first unless he needs something. so when i need him, i must wait. i desperately need this man to step his game up. but if he doesn’t, what am i supposed to do? keep hurting because i know i deserve more? or give up on my best friend and leave him knowing that i’ll create the biggest empty, hurting spot within my heart?
i’m supposed to be happy today, but i’m not, so i refuse to try. i just want it to be tomorrow. i never have good birthdays.
i got paid the other day. finally. i’ve been waiting months to get my tax return from the US government so i can start on with my life again. i thought it’d mean everything once i got it. but they’re right. money doesn’t equal happiness. without the love of my life, it’s just whatever. i don’t know what to do anymore. at all. school’s over. my friends have all moved away. and my boyfriend is weirdly disconnected from me. i need a job and constant income, but does it make sense to go back to where i was and start that cycle all over again? i’m thinking i should just stay here til i get a real full time job, but how long will that take? and what if i don’t know what i want to do anymore? should i go back to school? should i just do whatever? i know i can’t stay at home and be my parents’ child forever. it’s nice, but it’ll end up giving me an ulcer. i need my own life. do i step in like superwoman again, get my love and try to get him back on the right track? but what sense does that make when ultimately he doesn’t fight for me as much as i do for him? i don’t want to end up back in this situation a year later. i really need a miracle.