searching for a guide through life

i’m supposed to be asleep right now.

since i failed at life and used this day as a bullshit day, that leaves tomorrow for my day to get all my business done. meaning i have to wake up early and at the least, efficiently make use of the 9 to 5 business hour time when i’m normally at work. take care of stuff like getting my license changed over to this new state, getting a library card, changing the bank account for my cable bill to my new bank account… while i’m at it, i should be visiting the city i’m covering for my reporting job to get a better feel of it. i should go grocery shopping, but i think i’ll hold out til i have money. mmmm.. and the list goes on. oh, i’d like to go to the beach too. it’s right down the street. wink, wink.

we’ll see how much i actually get accomplished.

even though, i’m still talking about it (and not quite being about it yet), i think the real key for me will be gaining more self discipline. just doing things for the heck of it because they are something i wanted to do and not A.) overthinking things or B.) slacking off. i can be GREAT. i just know i can. it’s time to SHOW the world.

i’ve been blessed with an AWESOME support system, people that love me despite the craziness which is me. my family is proud of me already, but i want them to be able to say, “wow, look at my daughter, she’s independent, she has her life together, she’s doing something she loves and brings meaning to her life, and on top of that, she gives back.” i would LOVE to get my parents back into a house of their own. i would love to make them happy and less stressed. i would be so glad if i have the ability to just fly up on random weekends just to visit or fly them down here because i am so freakin far away. so i guess i have to work at being a superstar.

i’m writing again. sure, i write for a living, but when you hear me say “i’m writing again” you know i’m talking about my more creative expressions. namely, the novel. in attempt to be “disciplined,” i’ve given myself a quasi timeline. i was inspired the other day after a dream and i ended up writing a scene which occurs in the middle of the book. then today i ended up writing the prologue and typing in chapters one, two and the beginning of three from which i had handwritten in my notebook over the past two years. slowly, but surely, i will complete this book. it’s gonna be a challenge but it’s so great, so rewarding for my soul. i’m glad my girls (my two main characters) didn’t up and leave me as long as it’s been taking and as much as i ignored them.

i also changed the color scheme of my relationship blog. thinking about adding pictures from now on. i really want to do a 30/30, but we’ll see. i don’t know where to start and if i should really be as uncensored as i originally planned.

i’m on a roller coaster ride with my own relationship right now. there are times when i’m like, oh my gosh, i ADORE him. but then just as quick i’ll get fed up with something, like why can’t i reach him 24/7 and this money thing is really stressing me out and why isn’t he here with me already. there are a lot of times, when i’m just like: Cole, take a chill pill. but it’s hard to stop the crazy once it starts to seep out. and the stupidest thing: i’ll finally get a hold of him and i’m like… hi, baby, i miss you, let’s not talk about the crazy/annoying hard stuff right now. and then i’ll go crazy about it when i’m alone again. so… i need to work on: A.) more effective communication B.) taming the crazy; maybe getting a hobby or distraction, like WRITING C.) stop trying to control the situation and just let certain things be. i definitely need to focus on myself. on getting myself where i want to be. and on making my needs/wants heard and met.

ahh.. that felt like self therapy.

well… i’m going off the Pill soon. that should be interesting. it’s been a good 6 years now. i wonder how my body will react. i’ll most likely be right back on once my health benefits kick in and i find a doctor down here. but it should be an interesting lapse. and yes, i do want to get pregnant. but i will probably use other preventative measures, because he is most likely not ready, and that wouldn’t be so great of a situation.

i love my natural hair.. ((what aren’t we just talking about random tidbits now?)) i just washed it tonight and it’s super curly around my head. i will, however, most likely straighten it down before i go out. that is IF i actually wake up early and go out.. darn, it’s nearly 3 am now. i’m considering getting another inch off next time i go for a trim and trimming my bangs, possibly getting bangs across my whole forehead rather than the sideswept bangs. and though i LOVE the fact that my hair is nearly back to 100% its natural color, sometimes my mind flirts with the idea of highlights or the idea of blonde! yes, highlights would be much less dramatic than a blonde dye job.. but going blonde would be EDGY!! and fun. lol!

i sooooo need to start my own business, because i am a nocturnal bird and i feel better when i work on my own time. yes, i’m a time checker at work… 😦

my sister is going overseas in a couple days for about THREE weeks. WOW. crazy amazing.

while having my own place, definitely has its perks, i’m much more crippled by this loneliness thing than i thought i would be. i think my solution will be to find a church home (or a really cool volunteer group). just got to step out of my bubble long enough to FIND one and open myself up to the possibility of new friends.

mmm.. tis all. nitey nite.

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