searching for a guide through life

recovering from breakdown.

gosh. these bouts of depression have been so ill lately. this is truly a disease, a terrible one at that, but at least i stopped living in denial. i do have a problem. the first step was admitting that. the second will probably be getting help. and after that is hopefully healing.

it’s uncomfortable to talk about this issue, because i believe it’s uncomfortable for others to hear about this issue. it’s one thing when you’re talking in general or about someone you don’t know. it’s another when your sister or girlfriend or best friend or daughter is suicidal and she calls you up saying she doesn’t want to live anymore because the pain inside her is just that unbearable. i hate to place that on people. so usually i just don’t. i keep it inside. but sometimes i’m just so scared for myself that i have to tell somebody. even if they can’t fix it. even if they say i’m just overreacting or over dramatizing and i’ll get over whatever it is. it’s those instances when i find out who my true friends are.

i’ve decided i do want to go to counseling, but i don’t want to be put on medication. right now i don’t even want to go back on birth control anymore and i’ve taken those pills for about 6 years now up until last month when i ran out. sidetracked. anyway, it’s all a matter of finding the right therapist and figuring out how to afford it. i’m now on medical insurance through my job, but did you know that ish can still cost an arm and a leg??! my mom has a great government job where there’s no deductible and super low co-pays and prescription co-pays so i always thought things would be the same once i got my own medical insurance. boy, was i wrong. when i was choosing a plan i wanted to just be like SCREW THIS, i’ll go uninsured and just have to pay in full for the rare times i do go to the doctor. then thinking about how much it would cost once i get married and add kids to the plan… sure i want my family to have good medical coverage but jeez.. i won’t have a paycheck left after paying for all the fees. sidetracked again. so yeah, i have no idea how i’m going to choose the right therapist. this probably will take a good long time.. just hoping i don’t have too big of a break before then.

since money is a major issue (m.i.a.m.i.) STILL, the side hustles are still forever in the back of my mind. which makes me wonder when they will ever step from behind the back of my mind to the forefront. i really am impressed and inspired at some of the things my peers and secret mentors are doing. my moves are still very much in the baby step phase. i know i need to move quicker. i’m trying. it’s just… boy… it’s just a process. but today i wrote in the relationship blog AND this one (LOL) and i’m seriously thinking about setting up my third blog soon – Northern Star (i know, how many do i need?! gosh!). and if i’m really good, i’ll work on chapter 5 of the novel (athough i’m seriously not in the mood.. i think i’m evoking my own form of writer’s block here).

i haven’t talked to the best friend in what seems like forever. yes, i stay bitter for long. lately i’ve been definitely on this needy kick. i need someone to be there for me and my life in a phenomenal way. because i haven’t ever really had that, maybe with the exception of my mom. i’m just strongly desiring someone to have my back right now. where i could freefall and know someone is behind me to catch me.




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