searching for a guide through life

my mind is still a whirlwind, but last weekend was like a breath of fresh air for me. my family came down to see me and justin and we all spent time in new orleans together. it was amazing. i had such a great time. so did my baby. so did everybody. and despite some of the fun shenanigans i think the best moments i had were the simple moments. i love watching my boyfriend interact with the rest of my family. wouldn’t trade those moments for anything.

the posse left Sunday to make the way back to Jersey and i felt so sad and empty. i missed them as soon as they pulled away in the car. i hate that there’s all that distance between us, but it’s how life is right now. lately i keep on thinking about how i would like for life to change for me. i pray a lot that things will get better, but i also got to put some action behind it. i just don’t quite know where to start. i don’t know what’s the right path to follow. i’m afraid to try to move in one direction and find that it was the wrong choice. 

that’s how i feel sometimes about mississippi — that it was the wrong choice. i love it here. i love that i’m trying to make a way for myself and that i’m working towards that independence factor. it’s just that — besides the fact that we’re so far from family — i moved all the here for a job in an industry that’s not for me. i had my work evaluation today… the time i should have mentioned to my superiors that i don’t really feel like this journalism thing is quite where i belong. but i played the role and kept it positive and upbeat. because.. this is all we got right now. sure, i want the dream job. sure, i want to be my own boss. but i also want food on the table and to put a roof over our heads and the bills paid.

it’s a challenge. but good things are to come. i know it. they have to.

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