searching for a guide through life

something’s gotta give.

i was looking back at some old entries to see what i used to think about and what things i used to write about back in the day. it’s funny cuz even though i realize those were my issues back then, everything seemed so light-hearted and carefree. 

carefree. i couldn’t begin to describe my life as that right now. there are plenty of things that i don’t care about. things that i wish i didn’t have to actively care about. but when it comes to the bulk of it all… i care. well, i worry. like by worrying or constantly dreaming up plans i could gain some kind of grasp of control over my life. HA! like that will happen. stability seems so unattainable. like it’s just within my reach, but forever too far away for me to actually take hold of.

back in the day, i blogged about boys and not having a date to prom. i was a little boy crazy back in those days. everything was so superficial and innocent. life hadn’t really even begun. my biggest fear was never being in love. my biggest regret was letting my first love slip away.

fast foward five years or so. now my life is undeniably my own and yet sometimes i wish for those simple times again. the reason i started reflecting back on the old days was because i started thinking about what i would have done with my life if i never went to college. not going to college was not an option. it was just the way things went. following the plan. now i reached the end of the script and i don’t feel like i’m doing so well with the improv. a few months from now will mark 2 whole years out of college for me. while i did enjoy the time while it lasted and i loved my experiences and the people i met, what did i really, really gain from it other than $5,000 in debt in student loans? i spent the first entire year out of school waitressing, bartending and doing a very brief stint working in retail. was a landlord for half a year if you want to throw that in. then i was unemployed for 3 and a half months. then i moved down to the deep south to take a job that i would come to hate.

i understand life is not about having everything go perfectly your way, but come on… for so much of my life i’ve been lucky and fortunate and now i’m just… disappointed and exhausted. blessed, but still disappointed and exhausted. is this how life is supposed to go?

i have to quit my job. i feel like that move would be stupid and inconsiderate of others… but i HAVE to quit my job. i’m so very grateful for it, but it’s killing my spirit, every day. i just don’t want to go out like that. 

in order to quit my job, though, i need a back up. and not just a minimum wage, part-time, make a few dollars here and there back-up. i need a legitimate salary job with benefits that will get me somewhere someday, that i can continue to support my family and my life type of replacement gig. where will i find that in the times where it’s hard to even get employed at a fast food joint?

i want to work on my own pursuits…. but all the negativity in my mind keeps me from doing so. why waste all that time when there is no guarantee it will pay off in the end? i wish i thought more life a gambler, because more and more that’s what life is becoming… a fucking gamble. when i was a kid, it seemed so straight off. you studied hard, made straight As, went to college, graduated, got a good job, married a good mate, then got knocked up and started building a great family. i started off along that path, believing in that path. but somewhere i went wrong. maybe the earth shifted and i failed to recognize it. maybe i should have stayed with physical therapy as a career. maybe i should have stuck with one of the guys i didn’t love but who could provide for me. either way, i’m here now. wishing and praying i had a pair of magical ruby red slippers to transport me to a more desirable reality.

it’s not like i want to feel sorry for myself. but when i try to make action to do the right thing, nothing comes of it, or rather it comes in such slow progress that it’s hard to believe in miracles anymore. and it’s not just me that riding on my need to “make it.” it’s my future husband and my future step-daughter. i feel worse than shit that i can’t make life better for them. no matter how much he tries to comfort me, i feel terrible that i’m not a better asset to my family. i feel ashamed of myself. and on top of all that… i might be pregnant.

if only love could conquer all. if only just believing in dreams made them destined to just come true.

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