searching for a guide through life

Whew… it’s been a long time… shouldna left you..

I haven’t written in the longest. Not that I think anyone really reads my page, but I’ve kinda fallen off. Life – as always – has been a whirlwind lately. Haven’t given myself the opportunity to vent here. But I’m back!

Soooo… I really do miss writing. Writing for myself I mean. I miss it a lot. I fell off on the novel. I fell off on the relationship blog. I fell off on the idea of my own online magazine. I’ve unfortunately done a lot of falling lately.. and not just with my writing.

This past few weeks have been harder than they should have ever been. Relationship issues, money issues, depressed to the suicidal point. Started smoking cigarettes, which is something I NEVER thought I’d get into. Just been so stressed and tired lately that it’s taken a huge toll on me.

But each day is a new day, I suppose. I’m hoping I can use some of the time I have off the rest of this 3-day weekend (thank God for an off day!) to build myself back up some.

I spent today catching up on some needed sleep and some needed loving with my hubby. Tomorrow (well actually today since its past midnight) is our three year anniversary. We don’t have anything specifically planned, but we’ll be spending some QT, hopefully go out to dinner, go see the cars, maybe go to the beach. I’m hoping we go to church in the morning. That would be refreshing. Maybe do a little shopping in the afternoon. I’m really not expecting much, but I’m hoping to have a good day. I also got to take care of a lot of things around the house. Cleaning up, doing some grocery shopping, cutting out my articles from work so I can get rid of the weeks of newspapers piling up everywhere. Mmmm… you don’t realize how good it is to have Monday off. Normally I’d start getting depressed thinking about Sunday and realizing I have to start my workweek after that. Four-day work weeks are really the way to go. I can’t wait til I start working for myself.

Speaking of work… things have picked up a bit. I mean, I still don’t think it’s my perfect fit there, but I know I can definitely make it until the end of the year now. Pretty sure I can make it until April, which would be my year mark here in Miss. and at the paper. But once my lease ends…. I honestly don’t know what I plan to do after that. This Spring/Summer marks like the end/beginning of things for a lot of people in my life. For me, my lease ends so I can either choose to renew it and stay or move to basically anywhere. My sister graduates college in May. My oldest godsis will end her temporary job at the Boys and Girls Club in South Jersey. My cousin’s lease ends and her bf should be finally getting his degree so they have the liberty to move if they’d like. My best friend finishes grad school. It’ll really be a time of renewal and new beginnings.

I’m not sure what my new beginning will be, but it’s already on my mind now. I was thinking back on these past couple of years and about what I have to show for them and it’s basically been a blank. When I was in school, I was basically working for something… towards a goal at the end. After 13 years in school, I got my high school diploma, graduating second in my class and earning a full-ride academic scholarship to HU. At Hampton, I graduated summa cum laude with a 3.95 GPA finishing a semester before my class. This December will make two years since earning my bachelor’s degree and I feel like I haven’t done enough to show for it. I mean, I guess it takes some time. Life was made with bumps in the road. But I wish I would’ve had a better grip on things by now. A better handle of my finances — I have NO money saved up, thousands in debt (student loan and credit card), and I just overdrafted last week. I wish I had a better handle on my career. I’ve been saying I wanted to write my own novels for years now. I’ve been talking about starting my own business. But nothing to show for it. And the other major thing is I wish I were a little bit closer to starting my own family. Family is so uber important to me. I’ve always thought that growing up but even more so now as I am older and living so far away from my immediate family. I’ve been dating the same guy for three years and although we discuss the future, it’s never something so set in stone. No questions popped, no knees lowered. I haven’t even been able to form a connection with the family he has already. He tells me I don’t really need to meet them, because he has his own issues with his family. But that’s so beyond my understanding. I just don’t get it. It’s hard for me. And I just don’t know what I’ll do if it turns out that marriage and kids aren’t something that will happen between him and I. Not that I’m on a biological clock or anything, but waiting is tough.

I know this is going to sound like I want to be in control of everything — but… I just want my life back. I feel like life is just happening to me. I’m not living life but just going through the days. And I’m sick of that. I hope that for once, I can look back on my life and see some of the plans and the dreams I have for myself come to fruition. I need renewal. I need revival. I need drive and determination.

I used to have a poster in my dorm room at Hampton that said… “Just Gotta Make It.” It came from a Trey Songz concert the beginning of freshmen year, but I cut it to just show those words and I would put it up on the wall each year to remind myself that I had to make it. Life aint been no crystal stair, but I need to keep climbing. No more escalator. Need to put one leg in front of the other and just keep climbing.

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  1. I still read!!!2011 will be a year of new beginnings for sure, everyone I know is graduating or moving or starting something new in their life, I’m no different, I’m supposed to be moving as well. Definitely keep climbing too! I think we all have our own mountains/stairs in our lives, things that we didn’t see/anticipate. Just keep taking things one day at a time, thats really all you can do

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