A*North*Star

searching for a guide through life

I don’t remember Christmas last year. I’m pretty sure I was working, but I honestly don’t remember it at all. I remember scrambling trying to find a place to live. I remember the disappointment when it didn’t pan out. I remember packing up and then arriving in New Jersey. But I don’t remember Christmas at all.

A year later, quite a few things are different now, but I have to admit, it still doesn’t feel like Christmas. I don’t know where that “feeling” goes.

The past couple days, I’ve been feeling so down. For no good reason either. I swear, this depression thing has way too good of a grip over me. To be honest, it scares me.

I’ve been calling out to God, and they say He always hears you… but sometimes I really wonder if He does. And then I try to listen for Him and I hear nothing. And that makes me feel so broken.

I just want to stay inside under the covers every morning and stay unconscious. Just dream. I hate waking up. I hate going to work and pretending. I have it all down great — the pretending. The fake smiling, the acting like I’m a functional, competent worker when all I want to do is go home and get away. I can’t even explain the depression to anyone. Not only is it hard, but I don’t want to burden anyone. I talk to my sister about it, but I think it brings her down realizes how serious it is. She thinks she can just cheer me up. But that only works temporary. I talk to my love about it, but he doesn’t understand because I have all these blessings to be happy about. He thinks I shouldn’t complain… don’t sweat the small stuff. But it goes beyond that.

I guess I need help.

But for right now, I have to go to work. I have to put myself in yet another uncomfortable situation and just pretend my way through it until I get what I need for a story. The only thing keeping me going is knowing that I’ll get to pick up Justin from the airport in about 5 hours. I’ve missed him so much. And I get to see my family this weekend. I’m grateful for that too. Well let me get going. Obligation calls. 

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