searching for a guide through life

So much on my mind, I feel like I’m going to burst.

There’s the job issue. I feel very ready to move on from my job. I’m ok there, but I dread it, it doesn’t fit my heart or my soul. And I finally feel as though leaving is actually the right thing to do. I’m just still unsure of the next step to make. There was this opportunity I thought would be my “dream job” but I’m slowly talking myself out of it. Since my current job fits exactly in what I studied at school, I wonder if I’m really qualified to do something else. And of course, there’s the money and job security issues. My hunny will hoepfully get a job soon. That would help a lot. But what if that doesn’t happen right now? It’s been a while since he’s had something stable.

Then, of course, there’s the angst about the wedding and stuff. I still haven’t told my family yet. Part of that is me not knowing how they’ll react. I’ll be the first of my generation to get hitched basically. And my family doesn’t have the best track record of perfect marriages. There was part of me that was nervous that we actually wouldn’t go through with it. That we would just keep living like we were and that kind of bummed me out. But those fears have pretty much gone away. He helped confirm it for me this weekend. And despite whether we make it official or not, my love for him and my desire to want to spend the rest of my life with him will never wane. It only grows. Even when we do have our bad times. That man is my heart. He’s my match. But it still does rub me the wrong way that he really isn’t thinking about telling him family about our engagement. I know, I know. I haven’t either. But it’s different with them. In a couple ways. I guess that’s just something we have to talk about. As much as I love him, sometimes it’s hard for me to share my feelings about everything. I never say things I think could hurt, and I’ve always had a hard time expressing my feelings anyway – that’s how I got into writing. But bottling up is not good. The other day he read this journal. I wish he would read it more. LOL. It’s messed up that the one time he read it was when I was writing about feeling pregnant. Uhhh… yeah…

And that has also been a concern cluttering up my head. That and being a stepmother. Buying a house. Getting back to being a novelist or having better control of my career. To move or not to move.

Despite all my concerns, I’m trying not to worry. I’m trying to just trust that God will direct me down the right path. Nothing has to be as difficult as I’m making it, I think.

But please keep me in your prayers anyway.



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