searching for a guide through life

I’m just now remembering that all I ate yesterday was a poptart, a cheese sandwich and some assorted snacks (boiled peanuts, beef jerky and Butterfinger crispers). That’s why my tummy is doing the angry growl. So much for trying to balance out my metabolism.

Anyway… my mind is screaming that this cannot be another typical Saturday or another typical weekend… Usually my weekends consist of sleeping in, staying in and not doing anything at all. The highlight of my time is either a possible grocery store trip or catching new episodes of my shows (Suze Orman and Til Debt Do Us Part on Saturdays and Breakout Kings on Sundays). And then, if I’m unlucky, there might be a little blowup between hubby and me… usually cuz I blame him for my cabin fever and hate when he goes out and leaves me alone all night to hang out with stupid people and make stupid choices.. (yeah, I’m judging… so?)

It is way too nice and I am way too due for a nice time. We walked to the corner store yesterday, and I wished that walk could have lasted an hour or two instead of 10 minutes.. aside from the fact that we were both on or phones most the time.

This is why I say I need some friends. Buddy is nocturnal and because I have a 9-5, I can’t keep up with his hours. Plus our financial situation and the burden of me being the sole provider for our household is really wearing me thin. Ninety percent of the time I don’t even want to do anything nice for myself because I’m adverse to spending money on me because my responsibilities come first. But then there are the times that I fantasize about having friends so I could go out shopping with someone or go out to eat or take in one of these festivals. There are so many cool things to do here – ((I should know. I now compile the calendar events for the newspaper.)) – but trying to get my hubby out is like pulling teeth. I don’t even want to try. This sounds like such a typical girl statement… but I want him to want to go out with me. Damn, is that too hard to ask. The last time someone actually took me out on a “proper date” was years ago. That makes me kinda sad.

This situation frustrates me, and I feel like I need to fully vent, but I don’t want to make it seem like I’m ungrateful or completely unhappy. I love him extremely. I just don’t know how to handle balancing the true thoughts I have and trying to suppress them and act like it’s just a part of life with which I have to just deal.

Life’s hard. 

But I guess no one ever said it would be easy.

So anyway…. I really, really want to buy a mattress today. I’ve been living here for about a week and a half short of an entire year and I have yet to get proper bedroom furniture. We have a inflatable mattress, a tv tray that is used as a tv stand, and an ironing board that doubles as a junk holder. And there’s still papers and junk on the floor. Thank goodness for big closets too. But I mean, I’m renewing the lease and I want to actually have real bedroom furniture this year. That would be nice. And Sears is having a sale on mattresses. So even though I don’t have the budget to make such a big purchase, I think I just might go for it. Ugh… I hope. Because the air mattress is broke again. Our first one worn down and now this one is doing the same. I’m telling you.. air mattresses aren’t meant to sleep on for the long term.

There’s a list of things I want to purchase for the household, but I keep telling myself… well, I’ll put it on the registry. Yes, the registry for the wedding that I have doubts will actually happen. Man, I’m sorry, but I just have these expectations of how things should be… my life, the wedding, the relationship between hubby and me… that when things don’t go how I’d wish them to be, it’s just hard to deal with. I was disappointed when our dream house got taken off the market and thrown aback when the opportunity for my dream job got taken off the table. I get excited and then let down every time buddy goes on a job interview and doesn’t get a position… or when he gets a little money doing odd jobs and spends it on he and his friends before I can blink. There’s a block that prevents me from communicating to him when it comes to improving our relationship, and I’m too reluctant to go to therapy. And this wedding… there was never a time when I was a little girl dreaming about my wedding… But now I do. I dream about it a lot. And I’m not sure how I can really make my dreams a reality. I know guys don’t get into the whole wedding planning stuff.. but I need to feel like I am planning OUR wedding not just mine. We don’t even have any money for a wedding. I’m so unsure that this isn’t going to happen, that I haven’t been able to share the news with my family or friends or even really get excited. And this is supposed to be a happy time in a woman’s life. I know what’s really important is the marriage, not the wedding, but I’m reluctant about that part too. I’ve seen too many marriages fail and that discourages me, because when I get married, I need it to be for life. It’s like I’m getting cold feet and I’m not even at the alter yet. Again, here is the time I wish I had a friend. I wish I had a young, married friend that I could talk with about my intimate issues and concerns. I’m going to be the first among my closest friends and among my generation of family members to get married. At times, I want to turn to my mother for advice, but I don’t know how to bring it up. She doesn’t want to be married now herself. 

Sigh… well anyway. It’s noon now, and I promised myself that I would not stay in all day. Bye xanga.


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