A*North*Star

searching for a guide through life

Life doesn’t come with an instruction manual. We’re just making this shit up as we go along.

Soooo… I’m overdue for an update. A real update. I’ve been avoiding writing in here.

((Time for the confrontation.))

Life for me has been no crystal stair. But I think I’m just going through a rough patch.

I’m tryna see through to the brighter side. Or at least try to convince myself that the storm clouds aren’t as grey as they really are.

Me and the fiance have been getting into it. Our whole entire relationship has been well seasoned with tough times. It’s just I feel as though I’m wearing so thin. I’m putting my guard up again. The “tough guy” guard I wore for so long before I allowed myself to be vulnerable (aka weak). I feel the mindset I used to have of protecting my heart with a barbed wire fence and two rabid rottweilers is creeping back up on me. The independent Nicole. The I’m-not-going-to take-no-shit, so-what old self that keep me single and alone. Yeah, buddy. She’s back. 

Well… not quite. But I feel myself wanting to revert back to that. Because I’m tired of being hurt. I’m sick of crying. Feeling all kinds of negative and defeated.

I’ve been questioning a lot lately. And I haven’t wanted to admit any of it outloud because I don’t want to make it real.

But I just don’t know whether this is the “right time” to get married or not. Whether we can see through our differences and let love prevail through it all. I just don’t know.

Sigh…

Today at work I started writing this list. At the top I labelled it “Taking Back My Life” or something like that. I feel like for so long I haven’t really focused on what I want to do. It’s weird cuz when I love someone, I naturally just put their needs, wants and desires over mine, but if that’s the case – who’s going to look after me? Ya know? 

I want to become financially stable. I want to focus on art again – written, visual, musical.. maybe even theatrical. I want to travel across country to every state in the continental US. And then visit Hawaii and Alaska too. I want to actually do the things I say I want to do. Instead of looking back a year later and seeing that my life is exactly where it used to be and I haven’t accomplished anything I set out to accomplish.

No more regrets. No more should ofs. No more being scared and uncertain.

Cuz hey, if I mess up and fall on my face, I can still get up, right? It can’t be THAT bad. I’m tough. Hell, I’ve been through a lot.

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