searching for a guide through life

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing at all.

That was one of the messages Suze Orman passed along to some guests on her show today, and it stuck out to me. I often have that “all-or-nothing” approach to things in life. When it comes to my job or my relationship, less than best is not acceptable. When it comes to say – working out, finishing my novel or saving up for a house, I tend to completely blow them off because I don’t think I have the time, energy or means to do it the “right” way. I don’t think small steps are enough, but I’m wrong. I just need more discipline in my life and I have to remind myself that just because I’m not going to get to the finished results overnight, doesn’t mean I should give up.

Another thing — I think I’m going to have to embrace being more independent. Lately I feel like my life is just passing me by and I have more and more little regrets because I’m not doing the things I want to do. And why am I not doing the things I want? Because I’m either waiting on someone else (namely, my fiance) or I decide I don’t want to do things alone. I just I just have to buckle down and somehow get past that. It’s hard because I feel like doing things alone is taking a step back in my relationship. I don’t like behavior that’s “acting single.” But I can’t get him to join me in the things I’d like to do. And then I have no friends here. It’s just hard.

Trying to find a girl friend in a new town… I can’t even begin to describe how tough it is. Making connections with someone of the opposite sex would be fairly easy. But I’m not looking for that. I think it’s tough for me making friends as it is. I’m friendly enough, but I’m not very social and I’m kinda a homebody. Being out of school and spending most my days working with people outside of my peer group, it’s tough to make a connection with someone. And then when I do, like start chatting with someone and feel like we’d get along great, the conversation ends and we go our separate ways and that’s the end. I don’t know how to ask a potential new friend out on a “date”. It’d be weird to exchange numbers with a girl, and I don’t do much talking on the telephone anyway. And I’m not trying to knock the great friends I have in other places around the country. I just want a friend here to go out with and talk and to keep me from feeling lonely and not completely dependent on my bf for company.

Maybe that’s one of the reasons I’ve been waiting kids so much recently. To fulfill that kinda emptiness I have of not having someone close by me to fill it up. But I could just as easily have kids and still be lonely and miserable. Damn.

Ugh… one day I will have a more uplifting journal entry.

PS. I’m having the worst writer’s block with my novel. :-/


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