searching for a guide through life

Inhale. Exhale.

Sometimes I want to run away. I’ve always had this thought of moving to a foreign country, like on a small island or something where life is insulated in itself and everyone speaks a beautiful language that I can’t understand.

Lately I’ve had thoughts on moving to New York. It’s foreign enough. So many people there that no one could care if you walk around the streets with tears streaming down your eyes. I could truly just be one among many there. Then there’s the college friends that don’t much care for me, but probably would not interject if I try to fall back in their circle. And there’s my sister, mother, aunts, grandmother, and godsisters not too far off, eager to have me back around and bring richness to my life.

But I’d miss Mississippi. The palm trees, the warmth, the Gulf. The people, the accents, the culture. I’d miss my home.

I feel so lost nowadays. And unfulfilled. I guess because all throughout my school years, I was consistently working towards something. Make good grades, move up to the next level, get into a good college, graduate with a degree. Then once I finished school and didn’t automatically get swept up into the career path I imagined, I went back to my college gig waitressing. Moved up to bartender and then crew leader. Would have been likely offered a manager position but I left. I left because working at the Cafe was always supposed to be temporary. And after a year of getting used to it, the proper jolt I needed was to leave and move on. But at that point, everything was… well… open ended. I had no course of action. No curriculum to tell me what I should be doing next. And no money. So I did what I said I’d never do. I moved back home.

I needed that time home. I know it was necessary. When he left me to stay with his family, my whole goal and direction was to try to get back to him. So my job search was for anything down south. Florida, North Carolina, Georgia. In frustration of no job offers, I started to target jobs within my field of study located anywhere down south. I ironically landed right back in the city of my birth.

And I’m still lost and trying to figure everything out.

Aside from Justin, I have no friends here. I am trying. I’ve met a bunch of nice people. But no one to stand by me, love me and enrich my life. I don’t even have a walking partner or a shopping partner or a drinking partner or someone to gossip with about stupid reality tv shows. Sure, my Carin and my Courtney are just a phone call away, but I wonder will I always be left out of small family functions like summer BBQs or graduation parties if I continue to stay here, hundreds of miles away from my family? And his family?

Every time he’s on the phone with his mother, she asks about me. And now I say “hi momma” or “hi mother” to her via him and it feels great. It feels great to be included in his family. Right now I’ve got a book from the library that his older sister had with her when I met her for the first time in december. I’m kinda wishing I could talk to her about it when I finish. I know I won’t though. He keeps me at arm’s length distance from his family. I’ve been asking him for over a year when we would be able to make a trip down to Florida so that I could get to know everyone. He keeps stalling. When I first met Justin, he had a three-year-old daughter. Now she’s 7, and I have yet to meet her. When I finally do, I’ll probably have had just as much, if not more, day-to-day experience living with her father than she has. And that’s not fair to either of us. I know he has issues with some of his family. And he has issues with being in Florida for an extended amount of time. But sometimes I feel like he’s crushing my dreams, because family connection and togetherness is something I crave and it doesn’t seem as big a priority to him. He’s still doing his thing and trying to get his life together where he wants it to be. But it’s frustrating to me when he’ll spend weeks going to bed late and sleeping all day and not being as vigilant with his job hunt as I feel he should be. Yes, I do want to raise a family and be a caregiver, but I never imagined I’d be supporting a grown man 7 years my senior in the way I have with him, the past two years especially.

We’ve been going through it a lot lately. We stay together, because we both love each, we both want to be with each other and we both try. But it gets hard. I feel like I’m often alternating between being a doormat and being a nag. I love him, but sometimes I feel like I’m just waiting around idly in hope that he will grow up, take life by the balls and be a responsible family man. We were supposed to get married this summer. We later decided to get married around our anniversary in October. That’s four months away and no plans have been made. I doubt it’s going to happen.

I go to the doctor tomorrow. It’s supposed to be a regular checkup but since I’ve been having issues with my cycle, I have to ask about the possibility of pregnancy. I feel like if I were pregnant, I’m not sure what I’d do. I want to have a baby, but I also know how hard it’d be to do it on my own. And right now, my future husband is not someone who I could rely on to financially take care of our family. I know these days, there are stay-at-home husbands who rear the family while the wife goes back to work and makes the money. But when I have kids, I want to be able to take some time off from working full-time and be able to raise my babies hands-on.

If I were a writer, at least I’d be able to work from home and be in charge of my own schedule and all that. Right now I’m on the job hunt again, which is completely a headache in itself because of all my uncertainties regarding finding the best fit job for me. I need something that pays well enough to support my family and doesn’t stress me out as much as my job does now. I’d like something with benefits and that sounds impressive to those who ask me what I do for a living. I want to do something that makes a difference. I want to work somewhere without a long commute. Some job that doesn’t require travel so that I could possibly take the bus to work or bike and not have to worry about needing the car in the middle of the day. I’d like to work for a company where I could rise up the ladder over time. I want to work somewhere where I could see myself for quite a while. I want a peaceful work environment. I want to feel useful throughout the day. I want to enjoy job security. These are all qualities I lack in my current position. I’m looking into going back to school for a master’s in business administration. Still, I don’t think I’d start until Fall 2012, which is over a year from now and sounds so far away. For some reason I think an MBA would mean a better salary and better employment outlook, but who knows. I keep tinkering with the idea of starting my own business, but when it comes to the issue of getting paid for what I do and making a sizable enough profit, I’m lost all over again.


I know I don’t go to church as often as I should, but God, if you read Xanga, please send me a blessing. I need help.


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4 thoughts on “

  1. sending up a prayer for you…

  2. I have the same username as you on another website. I decided to google it to see if anyone else would think of the same name that I did, and I came across your page. I read this post by the way. At first, I wasn’t going to because it is so long, but I started from the bottom, and read one paragraph, and then another, and then one more, until finally I had read the entire thing from the bottom up. This is going to sound weird coming from a stranger, but you remind me sooo much of myself. Good luck, and God bless! 

  3. @MrsMathers1700 – Thanks. That’s so ironic how we share the same username and I remind you of yourself. Small world.

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