searching for a guide through life

I can’t make everything alright.

I didn’t want this to be another glass-half-empty post, but when you’re crying and you need to write, that’s kinda how things turn out.

I’m just overwhelmed with everything, because I want everything to go alright.

My dad will have another surgery tomorrow. I don’t remember how many its been in the last few years. And my mom – she called me yesterday and things were good and I was glad, but I really have no idea how she’s living right now… really where she’s living or how she’s really doing. The man I’m going to marry has a 7 year old daughter who I’ve never met and I feel as though I’m not entitled to wonder about her or get close or love her because she doesn’t belong to me, and it breaks my heart. And my first love gets married in five days. I just found out today and subsequently burst into tears. I prayed to God years ago that if it were down to him falling in love or me – then I wanted it to be him. I should be happy. But I just felt crushed. And know one can understand why. I don’t even understand why.

I’m tired of being the responsible one. I’m sick of having to make it all seem together. Or doing things because it’s “the right thing to do.” I want to quit my job and dye my hair and always say what’s on my mind and not worry about the consequences.

I want to be free.


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