searching for a guide through life

I feel stuck. And I feel like it’s my fault.

I know my job isn’t a good fit for me, but I continue to stay because I’m not ready to leave the consistency of a regular paycheck — and a decent one at that. I doubt whether I have what it takes to enter into a new field and be satisfied or to strike out on my own in business and succeed.

I feel like I’m doubting everything these days. I want to buy a house, but I keep thinking of how my parent’s home was foreclosed on last year and I never want to be in that situation. So the little voice inside me says “If you give yourself another year or so to save up, you’ll have more financial security to feel okay about entering into a mortgage.” I’m ready to get married, but then I doubt whether he’s ready or whether I really am ready when I have so many unresolved issues. I want to have children now, but I talk myself out of that too saying now is not the time. I think I’m trying to prepare my heart in case the “what if I can’t have kids” actually comes true.

I want to connect with God and have stronger faith right now but it’s hard. I’m really struggling. And I wonder if maybe God is leaving me out on my own because of the sins I have committed in the past… and the sins I continue to commit.

I feel abandoned.

My sister thinks I should have more personal goals for myself, like hobbies or desires unrelated to growing up and settling down. And that’s all good and well. I would like to do more things for me and enjoy my everyday life more. But that takes back burner to what I’m trying to build up for the future.

Ugh… I’m really going through it. But I gotta snap out of it because it’s almost time to put on the fake smile and head into work. (Hate working on the weekend.) The end of October can’t come quick enough. Have a week-long vacation and then a week-long furlough at the end of Nov.

I just want things to get better.

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