searching for a guide through life

I want to get high.

I want to get deliriously dumb. I want to get so numb that I forget responsibility and pain.

It’s supposed to be our anniversary today. The first as an engaged couple and my brain keeps telling me over and over again that I have to leave. Leave before it gets worse. Run away. I’m crying as I write this because it hurts me more than it will ever hurt him. I love him more than he will ever love me. I put him first in my life, higher than myself, higher than God. It’s like he is my god. And I know that he loves me, I know he cares, and he says I mean everything to him, but I feel like nothing.


So yeah, I want to get high. So high I can’t think anymore or feel. Because the next thing I’d want to do… is to put a knife right through my heart. That pain would feel better than this.

But no, I’ll just be the “good” girl. Go to bed and do tomorrow all over again.

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