I feel like it’s me against the world.
Honestly, that’s the best way I can describe it. It’s like each day is a battle. I’m afraid to succumb to the world, but it’s like… I’m outnumbered.
It’s hard to write this, it’s hard to explain this, because I don’t know where to start. This state of dis-harmony is like in every area of my life. It’s like the chicken and the egg battle… I’m not sure what comes first. I’ll just start with family because that’s how this journal post came about.
I’m supposed to be writing an email to my sister and my cousin. We do these emails back and forth to catch each other up on our lives, but I just didn’t know how to write this one. The last email my sister sent me made me cry. She mentioned basically how all she knows about my boyfriend are negative things. Her update on her life, to me, was like bright and shiny rainbows. My life — often dark and twisty. I can’t tell this squeaky clean image about my boyfriend because he isn’t squeaky clean. He’s who I love and want to be with and he has awesome qualities, but he’s not Prince Charming or some white knight. Our history is choppy and our issues are explosive. That’s our life. Yes, a more perfect situation is desirable, but I don’t want that at the cost of trading in my man — and I’m not sure if he’d change to be more of what I desire. Things are hard enough as it is, but to not have family support just makes it all the more tough to swallow. The physical distance aside, no one will be throwing me a bridal shower or engagement party. No one checks up on me about how wedding planning is going. Last Christmas when we were at my grandparent’s house, my granny said something along the lines of “when you find the person you’re going to marry” and I thought, haven’t I done that already? My parent’s separation has put a crack in my thoughts and dreams about marriage and family. I have always typically considered myself to be sort of an outcast with my family – my extended family in particular – just based on my nature to keep things in and not be strong on social interaction. It’s only starting to really bother me now that I’m ready to start my own family. When I got was named second in my class in high school and got accepted into college, everyone wanted to know where I was going and what I wanted to study and what I wanted to do. News spread fast. I told me parents over a year ago that I planned on getting married to Justin. No one has anything to say.
I don’t want my family, my kids, to grow up as isolated as I feel. Then again, I know I’m the most to blame. I’m the reserved one. I’m the one who couldn’t stand Jersey and decided to run away to Virginia and then Mississippi. It’d be easier, I guess you could say, if I moved back to Jersey and married a Jersey boy. The same thing could be said about my college friends. Be easier if I would’ve just hooked up with an HU man while I was there, someone familiar with my circle of friends and classmates. The circle that me and my man share … is the Cafe — the place we met, the place we worked. The problem there? Everything was so dysfunctional. And I learned later that most the people I thought were my friends really weren’t. Beside the rare occasional comment on Facebook, I don’t keep in touch with anyone from work, which is a shame because while I was there, I truly thought of them as friends and family. There were a lot of stupid cliques there, but I was the person who got along basically with everyone. I guess that was before a bunch of them moved into my house and I was their landlord. That turned some things sour. And we left on a bad note. Heck, while we were there, there were issues brewing that I had no idea about. Stuff I’m still not clear of to this day. Folks talking behind my back. People hiding things and lying. And unfortunately the “honeymoon phase” with Justin and I at work ended real fast. Maybe he didn’t want to show favoritism. Maybe I wasn’t cool enough for his clique. But once he knew he had me as his girl, all public displays of affection dropped off the map. And in a way, even though there were always people around, I felt isolated then just as I do now.
I miss having a community though. I miss having a good time. College was a good time. The cafe was a good time. Now, I feel like life is just about keeping my head above water in hopes to get to his illustrious life I want that I’m not sure is even possible to have. I’m not sure if I can get pregnant. My future is pretty much just up in the air — based a lot on my decisions alone and I’m not sure how to handle that. I want to get a new job, because I’m just so through with my current one. It’s a decent job and it’s in my field of study but I knew from just a couple weeks in that it wasn’t a good fit for me. I think I knew before that. But I wanted to sound good on paper. I wanted stability. I want independence and a better life for me and mine. Two weeks led to nearly two years now – ups and downs with this company. I’m just ready to move on. The problem is I don’t know what. I’m a brilliant, bright woman just when it comes to having the confidence to take risks alone… I’m at a loss. Maybe I used up all my risk taking: moving out of state to go to school, leaving a job to move back home without a real plan, and then moving across the country again alone. What I want to do now is start my own business. But it’s such a huge RISK and I have nothing to fall back on. Too scary. Sooo… my plan now, because I DO love where I’m living and I DO want to settle here, is to buy a house in the upcoming months. I don’t know much at all about buying (and maintaining) a house. I also don’t really have any savings to make such a huge investment. But my whole line of thought is … mortgage rates are low, sales prices are low and I’m at a point in time where I do have good credit and a stable employment history. So I’m thinking I’ll hold off switching jobs until later this year once I’m in my house. And I can, although I don’t necessarily intend to, fuck up my credit charging purchases related to a wedding or kids later on because the great credit thing is primarily just to lock in a great interest rate for a mortgage. At least that’s what I told myself for the drive to clear all my consumer debt before 2012 came around.
2012 has been something else and it just started. This month has gone by pretty fast and it’s been hella rocky. I haven’t made any steps towards resolutions to lose weight, go to church or write a novel. And though I started the year off chain smoking my stress away it’s been weeks since I’ve smoked a cigarette and that’s awesome. Especially in the midst of this stress. It hasn’t been easy. My man’s job went bankrupt and laid off all its employees right before MLK weekend. We had intended to go to Florida that weekend to see his family but ended up cancelling the trip. Losing his job has taken a toll on Justin and in turn me. Financially, I’ve never relied on him to pay our household bills, but still, not having him work is hard in ways that aren’t as transparent. I love my baby and I’d give him the world if I could, but I can’t fix everything. I’m not even sure he knows what he truly wants out of life and I can’t figure that out for him.
One of my resolutions for this year was to do more things that make me happy. Honestly, I’ve been so caught up with holding down my household and doing the right thing by the job that I hate that I barely take the time out for or spend my hard-earned money on things that make me happy. I don’t even take care of myself anymore. I’ve ballooned up to the highest weight that I’ve been in my life. I feel super uncomfortable in my own skin. I haven’t done volunteer work since college. I feel guilty every time I go out to dinner, which isn’t very often. I miss being treated — which brings me back down memory lane to old friends or old boyfriends who, at least at one time, tried to make me happy. I miss that “spark.” I miss feeling treasured. For reasons beyond me, I’ve been having dreams with first love in them. But maybe that’s because Facebook told me he’s expecting his fourth child when I’m sitting here with my infertile ass. Maybe I still feel some kinda way that I’ve at least seen his daughter in person (about 6 years ago) and haven’t yet met my own future stepdaughter — and that I found out, from Facebook of course, that both the girls have the same name (different spelling). I keep telling myself that I don’t miss him. I never even had him. I just miss the idea of an ideal love. And he was the prototype.
Justin doesn’t even know I’ve been in love before. That I fell in love when I was 12. And I feel like I just know the bare basics when it comes to his life before me… maybe not even that. The person I am… I want to know everything. But how when I can’t just hop in a time machine? Our communication skills aren’t superb. My attempts to play 20 questions failed horribly. He doesn’t have any old diaries that I can read like this Xanga, and I don’t know his family well enough to get them to tell me stories about them. He is the closest person in my life to me, but sometimes I feel like we’re so far apart. We’re so different. And I wonder if I’m blocking him from getting the complete picture of me between us not talking about the past and me putting aside my personal interests and hobbies and shit.
I’ve wrote a lot. I’ve been writing for about an hour it seems. I’m not even sure I should really be putting all this out there. So many personal thoughts — and still it feels like my mind is still swirling with other concerns. But this has been my journal for what — 7 years now? Some day I’ll need to look back on this. And if I can’t put it here, where else?
Cheers to venting.